Friday, November 19, 2004

For my Island

-[the big blue sea diver]-

crucified at 9:24:00 PM
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Hey guys, as stated in my calendar, I would be out of town during this December for almost the whole month. Thus, I would not be checking my email often and they would most likely be over quota when I return. Thus, if you guys like to send me any email, please send them to the following addresses:

phrey_domic@yahoo.com.sg (for chain/fun/crappy e-mails)
humphrey.tan@gmail.com (for important/pressing e-mails)

Thank You.

crucified at 5:02:00 PM
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Thursday, November 18, 2004

I have found my island. Waiting for the island to let me in. Should I feel happy or should I feel sad? I only have one more paper to go and that marks the end of the o level as well as the conclusion of my secondary school life. Friends, are we going to meet each other again? School, leaving my second home. Thinking upon parting with friends and leaving the place where I progress from a childish little kid to a more matured teen. Teachers, the ones who taught me happiness and share friendship with me. The ones who were there to spur us on towards excellence. Is goodbye a conclusion for us?

Maybe I am thinking too much.
-[the big blue sea diver]-

crucified at 7:05:00 PM
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crucified at 7:04:00 PM
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Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Been thinking about something. I don't think that would leave my mind so soon. Well, there is nothing I can do but to compromise with it and make it my way of life. In order to prevent myself from thinking much, I went to the library and got myself a book. The title is "To Have & To Hold". It contains bibles stories of love, loss and restoration. Hope that this book would really replace the worries and wounds that are within me. I finished 24 pages today. The beginning was about the creation of mankind. It tells about the feeling of Adam and Eve and as if it is written by the two of them. It also tells about the serpent and the fall of mankind. Well, I ended at the part when Adam and Eve were asked to leave the Garden of Eden (Delight). Well, I would expect more exciting stuffs on the way.

Talking about the O Level, so far so good/bad. I dare not think about what I've done in the past. Two more papers to go. A Maths papers 2 tomorrow and Sci Paper 1 next monday. Hope that it really passes in no time as I really want to regain freedom. On the 22 Nov, I am going to make a great and important decision. It would either boost up my morale or have me fall deep into a dark pit and never to be up again. I have confident in myself and no matter what the outcome might be, I am already prepared. For since the first day I thought about making this decision, I have already thought of the possible outcome.

I have about ten minutes left before I get back to my studies. Guess I got to go, see ya around.

crucified at 7:51:00 PM
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Monday, November 15, 2004

What the hell is happening in me? I am doing and saying things that are not practical and logical at all. All of them could lead to a deadly ending. What should I do now? How I wish that there is something which I can use to turn back the time, then I wouldn't be so foolish anymore. Where is the real and genuine chin ho? Can someone out there get him back into this flesh? He has wandered to nowhere and I simply can't find him and I can't see him. The next paper is in two days' time and I am not even prepared for anything. O God, save me...!

Had nasi lemak for breakfast, instant noodles for lunch and nasi lemak for dinner again, just that both of them are from different stalls. Maybe I should call today the NASI LEMAK DAY. Well, guess that I am starting to have a slight cough and hope that it will go in no time. I hate cough, especially the one I had in the beginning of the year. I just coughed non-stop and I could really feel the shortness of breath. My study-table is really messy now. Piles of books are on top and it doesn't look like a study-table anymore. Guess I should start packing it later for the preparation of the battle tomorrow.

Btw, I wish to say sorry to someone for doubting her. "I am sorry for that. I admit I was too impulsive then. I promise not to doubt your integrity again. I trust you."

I had a reflection about my Christian life just now. The below is the Disciple's Wheel

The illustration above tells the components of an obedient Christian. It is a wheel, with Christ in the centre of the wheel, controlling it. The vertical spokes are Prayer and Word, which illustrate the relationship with God through prayers and having a consistent Quiet Time with Him. The horizontal spokes are Witnessing and Fellowship. They are the relationship with the people here on this earth. Witnessing is the sharing of His Love and bringing the lost ones to Christ. Fellowship is spending time with fellow Christians sharing and building up each others' lives. So, what have I been doing?

I have not been consistent with my Quiet Time and there goes the Word. The passion and will for evangelism has died and there goes the Witnessing part. Fellowship? I failed to initiate or meet up with fellow brothers and sisters to share my problems with or to share their problems. Lastly, Prayer. Well, I did pray, but only when I need help. I failed give Him prayers of thanksgiving. All the four spokes are so weak and the wheel is bound to be damaged. And this shows how bad I am in leading this life. A life without God. A life full of myself. A life of earthly desires. A life of rubbish.

Although I go to church not for the sake of going, but I guess sometimes my motives and purpose of going is undesirable too. I simply go to church to spend my day out instead of locking myself up at home. Is that what God desire? NO! God wants my unreserved obedience, my undivided worship and my unlimited trust in Him. I failed to fulfil any of them. Instead of glorifying Him to the fullest, I hurt Him and disappointed Him to the fullest. What an unworthy son am I. Christian life is hard, and should I just end it? No, I will never do that.

I received an email attachment and a part reads, "If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world." Well, what can I say now? I am indeed so privileged yet I don't even know that. How pathetic am I?

And now, by His Grace, I see the light again. He is never too late to pull me up from this pile of dirt. He saves and He provides.

crucified at 8:45:00 PM
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Sunday, November 14, 2004

Answer

Here I come
Before Your presence
Here I kneel
In Your awesome radiance

Holding onto a request
That You've already known
I brought it before You
Grant it, oh my Lord

Is she the one for me?
Is this your plan for me?
Is this in accordance to You?
Show me Your way, Lord.

Teach me to differentiate
The wrongs and the rights
Reveal me Your perfect plan
That I may understand

Should I continue waiting?
Or should I say goodbye?
O grant me Thy wisdom
To make a pleasing choice

To me she is the one
But is that what You desire?
Maybe I should continue waiting
For an answer from You

- Humphrey Tan

crucified at 1:09:00 PM
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All Day

I don't care what they say about me
It's alright, alright
I don't care what they think about me
It's alright, they'll get it one day

I love You, I'll follow You
You are my, my life
I will read my bible and pray
I will follow You all day

I don't care what it costs anymore
'Cause You gave it all and I'm following You
I don't care what it takes anymore
No matter what happens I'm going Your way

I love You, I'll follow You
You are my, my life
I will read my bible and pray
I will follow You all day

All day, All day now, All day

Anyone around can see
Just how good You've been to me
For all my friends who don't know You
I pray that You would save them too

crucified at 10:34:00 AM
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