_________ i have found my island; waiting for the island to let me in `

Friday, August 27, 2004

I am starting to feel that I am a rubbish. Something that people avoid and despised. I've lost all my rights. I can't pass comments. I can't say anything to people. Even though I am trying to correct them. It's right and justified that a leopard will never change its spots, not a tiger to change its stripes. However, does it mean that people, human beings I mean, will never repent and change? Is it too unfair for me?

I was during lesson time. Someone beside me said something that's really uncalled for. Well, I should admit that I said those things in a wrong context. I should be less aggressive in correcting him. Well, that may be because that was not the first time. I told him, "You called yourself a Christian?" Well, I meant good though it may seem sarcastic to some people. However, he replied with a really hurtful manner. "Like you are one!" Well, and wei chuan, who is sitting right in front of me, turned around and shoot me with words like "Look at yourself" (he always does this, and that's why I kinda dislike him - though I am trying hard to love him). Does he have to do that? By right he should be helping me to correct the brother beside me. Well, I do not wish to start a "fight", thus I kept quiet.

Went to McDonald's after school. I didn't have my meal there. Don't feel like having any burger or fries. It was supposed to be a fellowship time, but ended up to... The same incident happened again. This time was without Jonathan. Countless insults were hurled at me. I couldn't take it anymore. However, I could do nothing but remained silence. They were building their joys on my sorrows. However, the same calling kept repeating in my mind again. "My dear child, forgive them, for your sake. Be not worry, I will be here to protect you, to guard your heart, to comfort your soul." Coincidentally, or perhaps by God's plan, for today's chaper in the PDL, a verse was mentioned. "Accept each other just as Christ has accepted you; then God will be glorified." It is my reaponsibility as a God's disciple to learn to love as He does. Because He is love.

I wanted to express my discomfort again. They knew it before I told. And they call that "da dao li" (wise-saying). Thus, I didn't not say much. I merely told them, "I will not say anything much, as I know that you guys would not take them to hearts. Laugh all you want, joke all you wish. I would ask you guys to put yourselves in my shoes, I just want to tell you that the feeling is very bad to be insulted at and to be used as a joking topic. Jokes are okay sometimes, but there is a limit to everything." Although I used a friendly and calm tone, my heart was undergoing a struggle, the pain was beyond description. How I wish that I could vanish right at the spot and be transformed to a quiet place where I could tell God how I felt. Though the tears did not threatened to fall this time, but the tear gland of my heart was already dried up. Thinking of how and why, even fellow brothers in christ would mock and insult you, instead of holding and keeping you up and alive in faith, in love and in trust. Thinking of how God feel, when He sees His creations having conflicts and disagreements with each other. Thinking of eternity, where would I go, where would they go?

I can't say that I am perfect. I admit that I do sin against him frequently. Through my words, through my actions. However, just I've said in many previous entries, I am still trying to change. And this change is not an over-night process. It is a life-long one. The bible says, "As the Spirit of the Lord work within us, we become more and more like him and reflect his glory even more." The only difference is that I am willing to let the Spirit take control over me and works in me. I brought this into my prayer today. I prayed for each and every single one of them. Eugene Foo, Brendan Chew, Jie Shun, Benjamin Lim, Victor and Wei Chuan. I know that it's not their fault to have done and said all those things. I know that the cause is that they have gave in to the devil and failed to listen to Him. They may appear Holy and firm at the outside. However, it may be the opposite in the outside. Well, I may me wrong. (I told God that) It may be just another judgment from me. However, I knew that I should pray anyway.

No, I didn't cry. Why should I cry? I have a Person whom I can truly depend on in times of need. In times of sorrow and In times of pain. I am not on my own. I have Him. I have Jesus. The people around me can say things that may be hurtful. They may do things that may harm me. However, no matter what they do, as long as my faith in Him is strong, nothing will defeat me. "I have Jesus as my Shield. I have Christ as my strength. I have God as my life. There's absolutely nothing that I can fear of."

Not Alone

You are my Shield, Jesus

You are my Strength, Christ

You are my Life, God

Nothing should I be afraid

You'll protect me

You'll guard my heart

You'll comfort my soul

Nothing, absolutely nothing

Can defeat me

Your arms are always open to me

Your words are always that soothing

Your love is always so warm

You voice is always so lovely

Loneliness never exists

With You as my Lord

- Humphrey Tan

crucified at 6:47:00 PM
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Thursday, August 26, 2004

Which is His calling? And which is his?

I did not intend to post an entry today. I was online since 30 minutes ago and felt like switching my computer off and proceed to revise for my a-maths test tomorrow. However, I suddenly had the urge to blog as I know that I may need the help of you (refering to Christians) to answer some questions and also to pray for me. The poor me, again.

I am now living with a mixed feeling. I feel that I am the middle person between God and the devil. I have been hearing "voices" from each party. And there are many times that I couldn't locate the source of those callings.

Few brothers came to talk to me about the church matter. They told me that it's probably His plan that they were sent to "counsel" me. However, they seem to instill a certain level of guilt in me by mentioning about some questions. MOTIVE! PURPOSE! ACTION!... well.. these words look simple... but they carry a big meaning. Well, is it God who is holding me back? Or was it my own feeling and judgment that God is using them to talk to me?

I know that if this is going to continue like this, I will either go bonkers or will stray away from Him. I couldn't explain me feeling and thoughts right now. I feel that I am growing, but on the other hand, I could also feel that my faith is gradually decreasing and I am starting to let the satain take control over me?

The topic of "The Purpose Driven Life" yesterday was about life. It mentions that life is about test and trust. Somewhere in that chapter, it mentioned that God continually tests people's character, faith, obedience, love, integrity, and loyalty. It mentioned that God drew Himself back to test Hezekiah. In another word, God allowed him to fail to sense His closeness. Well, maybe it's God who is testing me now. Maybe He purposely allowed those brothers to approach me to test me. To see if I would change my mind or change decision easily.

However, I am not God. I know nothing. Therefore, I really need help and need prayers. I strongly believe that God has a plan for me and He knows everything. Thus, I do not want to get in His way. I just want to serve Him and glorify Him with my life.

crucified at 8:15:00 PM
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Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Have I made the right decision?

I have to question myself again. Have I really made the right decision upon going to RiverLife and making it my permanent church? I was approached by Khai Ying during lunch break this afternoon.

"Do you have something to tell me?" he asked as if he knew I was going to tell him anything.

"Eh...what thing?" I replied in astonishment.

"So do you have something that you want to tell me?" He insisted that I should tell him.

I turned around and headed for a bench. He followed and sat beside me, waiting for me to say.

Basically, I told him the truth that I am indeed going to leave Emmaus and join RiverLife. I told him some of my reasons (due to time constraints). Well, but he asked me to think again.

Was it satan who is influencing me to leave Emmaus? Is it true that I really stop growing?

He asked me to think about these questions. Well, I wished to answer him directly, but I had a lesson to attend. I am quite sure that it is God who wants me to go RiverLife. I am quite sure of that. I have been praying hard on that. I also know that if I am going to stay with Emmaus, it will not help at all. I've stopped growing, and that's the truth. Everyone says that I might have a wrong motive on the decision to change a church. But... do they really understand me? Well, I really do not wish to doubt their understanding, but.. I really need a new environment for my growth. If not, how am I going to witness to the billions of people out there?

Well... everything that I say would be fruitless. They will find every reason to rebuke everything that came out from me. Well, it's not that I am going to give up on God and worship another idol or another god which doesn't exist. I am still worshipping the same God anyway. The only difference is the environment. Well, I know that they care for me. But... isn't that a bit too demanding for me? My decision is final. Nothing is going to change it, unless God really tells me that that's a wrong decision.

crucified at 6:35:00 PM
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Monday, August 23, 2004

"Without God, life has no purpose. Without purpose, life has not meaning. Without meaning, life has no significance or hope. The greatest tragedy is not death, but life without purpose."

I got the above quotation from "The Purpose Driven Life" written by Rick Warren. If you are keep to date about the Christians publications trends, you may feel that I am quite "out-dated" as this book was once well-known but the cravings of it seem to be no longer visible. To be honest, I am now at Chapter 4 our of 40 of that book, and I am proud of it. The book is not mine, it belongs to the National Library Board of Singapore. I believed that it was God who guided Jonathan to borrow it for me (without me knowing). Well, thus, I believed that there is a purpose for my encounter with this book. Thus, I would do my best to explore this book religiously. Well, today is the fourth day I am reading it and it really helped me with my life. It changed my life indeed! I learnt more about my purpose here, despite I only finished a tenth of the book. Well, I managed to follow by what it says by knowing that He will be there and to do things with a purpose in mind.

My first encounter of the above quote was somewhere last year. Well, I was introduced to a Christian website http://www.heartlight.org. They offer daily newsletters on many things, from daily devotion to daily quotations (Quotemeal). Well, I eventually subscribed them, they are free anyway. Well, at first I thought I was only a typical online freebie, but it really provides powerful quotations that can change lives. Well, this quotation caught my attention since the first time I read it. Well, since I managed to really read the souce (the book), I know that it's not just a coincidence, but it's God's will that I would have to read it.

Well, this is not the only one book that I am currently engaged in. I am also trying my very best to really read the book titled "God's Smuggler to China". It's a true story written by a famous missionary, David. Well, in his book, he mentioned about his youth days, about how he reject Christianity, reject God in his life. And also, the moment when he actually received Him and how He has gained his trust, faith and hope. Well, I am at about the 2nd quarter of the book. It's really inspiring and I would recommend everyone to read. It's also about how Brother David planned to bring in bibles into China, which was closed to outsiders. Well, I am still at the part where he took his first step and I am really crave to finish it as soon as possible.

Frankly speaking, I never once complete any book that I read, except my literature text when I was in lower-sec. However, I have finally found the treasures that books can bring. How books can change a person's life. I believe that it's not by chance that I suddenly possess such desire to read. I know that it's the Lord's calling. Furthermore, I do find similarities in my life compared to the events that took place in the books. This is indeed wonderful! It's like having Someone to go through life's problems with you. And that Someone is God.

If you have yet known Him or find yourself not relating to Him, I urge that you do pray to Him according to this. I believe that He, who is faithful till the end, would answer Your every prayer and guide you step by step back to Him.

"A Christian's life does not change and remained still once he accepted Christ, but it is a long period of constant revision and alterations along the journey with Christ Jesus, the Lord."

The above quotation is 100% copyrighted, Therefore, do not copy. hahaz... it just came out from my mind out of a sudden. It means that it's untrue and incorrect to think that once a person receive Christ, he will gain eternal life and that's all about a Christian's life. However, being a Christian is like taking on a journey with Someone (God), whom you take in as a role model and constantly discover your mistakes and the dark side of your life and make ammendments to them. Thus, being a Christian is not as simple. Some people are just "Christians by name" Which means that they claimed that they are Christians, but they live their lives as though they are not.

I have a thought for you, Are you a Christian by name, or are you a Christian of committments? You have the answer.

It's not too late to change! For He is always faithful.

crucified at 9:27:00 PM
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Sunday, August 22, 2004

No more slacking, no more playing, no more wasting of time.

With the advancement of mankind, the hobbies of modern teenagers and even adults gradually evolved from a chess game, a ball game, into slacking, complaining about boredom, and wasting their time on unnecessary things and activities. As a student, a typical teenager, a youth, well, I must really admit that I've not yet awaken up. I've been wasting all my time, all my energy on unnecessary activities such as coming online and doing things that are not beneficial, not necessary and not edifying at all. What on earth have I been engaged in? The prelims are near, and not forget the year-end o level. I am not prepared at all? I was not like this in my younger days? I used to be a boy who is conscious about his school work, conscious about time management. But what am I doing now?

I still have my homework undone, my bio unrevised (tml will be a mock practical). My prelims! I have not really touched any of my textbooks. I find myself wasting time all day long. I am online almost each and every second when I am awake. What has exactly happen to me? Well, I guess that the answer is very simple. "The devil has won the battle. he managed to distract me." But, is there a way out for me?

Yes there is! I learnt this from yesterday's service. "It's never too late!" Well, I learnt that God has eventually given us the authority and power to stop ourselves from falling into the traps of the evil ones. And also to get rid of the satan in us. Wow, isn't that wonderful? Indeed!

I made another commitment to God today. That is "I am going to study hard, to glorify Him". This would be my third commitment made unto Him. YES! I am going to abide all the three of them. I am going to abide to my "time-table" regliously, and do my very best so as to glorify Him. Well, I hope to bring this out again, in case there are christians out there facing the same problem as me. "Christians study not because they want to pass their tests or exams, but because God wants them to study!" This would surely change a person's approach and perspective about studies. The coping of stress and homework. Well, I am going to study now. Bye.

crucified at 7:29:00 PM
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