_________ i have found my island; waiting for the island to let me in `

Saturday, September 25, 2004

I am feeling really tired and depressed. So many things, so many events and so many issues surrounded me. Just as I told myself that I can't hold on anymore and can live no longer, the Lord sent few people to touch my life and used them to hold me up, to strengthen me. This shows how prayers work. Since the day I decided to leave Emmaus and to join Riverlife, I've been having the feeling of fear and worries as I did not give my siblings in Emmaus an "official" account of my departure. I played badminton with jonathan cho, joylynn, benjamin lim, eugene foo, ze sheng and randall yeaterday and we went singapore post to have our dinner. Just as I reached home, the phone rang and it was Su Yi (my ex-discipler). He hadn't been contacting me for it and I thought that he had already forgotten my existence. Well, he hasn't. He wants to meet up with me regarding my reasons for leaving and regarding the problems I faced. Thus, we've decided on the 2nd October that we'll meet and have a chat.Well, that solved one of my problems.

Well, if anyone of you would notice, I've set my msn nick as "I am breaking down." I didn't expect anyone to care or to show his or her concern by asking anything about it. However, I had two brothers yesterday, whom took the effort to ask why. They are Khai Ying and Jun Liang - though I failed to elaborate it clearly to Jun Liang (I will tell you another day k?). Well, I've spoke (online) with Khai Ying for about half an hour. I told him about some of my problems as he further helped my dig out things that are missing in my life such as the fellowship with fellow siblings. Then, we started to chat about. I told him about myself, noticing a change in some brothers' faith and attitude and how some of them even despise my on my change of house (church). I also told him about how the words or passing remarks, be it intentionally or not, had hurt me deeply and left a scar, in fact a few scars, in my heart (people out there, guys do get hurt too). I ended the conversation half-way through as I was really feeling very dizzy and sick yesterday and needed to rest. He ended off with an encouragement. "I am still your brother, even though you may have left us." That really left a strong sense of the Christ's Spirit. As long as we are Christians, no longer who we are, our race, backgrounds or churches, all Christians belong to a single body, which in Christ Jesus. Nothing can separate us from the Love of our God in Christ Jesus the Lord.

As for today, Bro. Benjamin of Emmaus started a conversation with me. He didn't ask about my nick. However, he started the conversation with, "Is there anything I can pray for you?". This is the kind of brothers that I've been searching for. The matured way of helping a brother by not asking him about the problems directly. That's what I've called brotherly love of Christ. I told him that it's a long story to be elaborated and thus, I summarised everything to him by making few prayer requests. Yes, I believe that He is the one who sent them to me. To spur me on and to help me grow.

My prayer yesterday was answered with 24 hrs, isn't that amazing? As was in the lift yesterday, I told Him, "Lord, I am really tired now, grant me rest." And He immediately sent people to encourage me and to let me feel that I am not alone. Praise Him and let's exalt His Name.

Well, if anyone of you would be caring enough to pray for me, my prayer requests are:
1) Strength to cope with objections, fear and things I do.
2) Strength and Courage to trust in God even in times of struggles and emergencies.
3) A change in my attitude that I would be careful about my tongues and that I would convert hatred into love.
4) Grow in my fellowship with fellow siblings-in-Christ
5) Growth in my walk with Him

If you want a more specific request, please feel free to drop me an email or call me. Thank You & God Bless.

I find the lyrics below very meaningful, thus, I would like to ahre with you guys:

In This Moment

Standing in this moment, and I pray to God that I
Will have the strength to carry on
My heavy burden, my laden face, I weep with silent tears
For him who hears to take this pain away

I don't want to ask for something more than I can bear
But give me the strength I need to trust you more
With my future, my worries, and all I have to offer for love
Lord I love you, Lord I trust you, Lord your goodness cares for me
Lord guide me, Lord lead me on

I've found your freedom, seen your glory
Nothing feels the way you make me feel when I'm with you
I'm awakened with you saying spend today with me
I have so much to offer you

Lord, I've tried to live my life on my own
But then I realized that you're the source of all of me
I was running my race all alone, but then you came to me
Took my hand and led me on

- Chris Keator

crucified at 2:50:00 PM
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Friday, September 24, 2004

REST

I know You are here, God

But can I touch You?

Can you show Yourself to me?

I want to hide under Your wings

And seek protection from You

I am really tried - drained

Strengthen me with Your love

Raise me up with Your mighty arms

I need You

To be here - with me

I am breaking down

Build me up

Seal my faith - don't let it fades

Cover me

With Your love

Grant me rest - in Your presence

- Humphrey Tan

crucified at 10:01:00 PM
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Had my second last paper this morning, which is Additional Mathematics Paper Two. Well, not as difficult as Paper One, which I did not prepare, I mean not fully prepared for. Well, I don't mean that Paper Two was easy. Just hope that it will revive my overall score for A-mathematics. My aim for A-maths is a B3. Well, after so many papers, I suddenly feel a bit of regretful feeling gushing through me. Did I really put in the sufficient effort that is required? Did I really trust God as I've said? Did I really....? Well, to me, the answers to all the questions are an absolute 'No'... Well, may this prelim exam be the last wake up call for me to buck up for the coming o levels... Hmm, got more information about the year-end trip. It's a 6D5N trip to Melbourne which would probably cost S$1400 excluding the high airport taxes, I mean taxes (plural). With a subsidy of S$600 from school, I still have to fork out thousand plus for my expenditure there. Haiz... where can I get those money? Maybe this is another test that I should trust God fully and having the faith that He, who brought me here, would make a way for me. Well, I shall end here....

crucified at 1:09:00 PM
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Tuesday, September 21, 2004

CAPTURED

Your sweet voice

It captured my ears

Your grown-up yet childish actions

They captured my attention

Your presence

Has always kept me distracted

The joy we shared

The fun we had

The jokes we made

The moments we played

Have they ended?

I told you I wouldn't want any other

Than you alone

You may not be the first

But I am sure I will never be like the past

We used to joke

We used to laugh

We used to play

We used to talk

But we no longer

I wish to tell you again

That I do not want any other

But you

For now and forever

And Yes!

I mean it.

- Humphrey Tan (For Someone Special)

crucified at 11:02:00 AM
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Monday, September 20, 2004

What is worship? Is worship all about singing praises and hymns to the Holy One? Is worship just about praising God about His handiwork? Is worship just physical actions like dancing, shouting, kneeling and proclaiming? Romans 12:1 says, "to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God. This is your spiritual act of worship." Sacrifices do not always mean dead sacrifices. We can offer Him our lives, giving Him control over us and submit everything to Him. Worshipping God is also doing or saying things that please Him. However, by saying things that please Him doesn't mean proclaiming or saying "Amen", "Thank You, Lord.", "Praise God!" or "Hallelujah!". These words are cliche. Thus, it is often said without understanding the deep meaning in it. People use them for the sake of using, but do they really think of God or really express the form of gratitude from deep within their hearts? However, if someone is really desiring to express his deepest gratitude to God, he would automatically come out with words like "I respect you.", "I appreciate Your work" etc. It is more pleasing to receive two specific compliments than to receive two hundred vague generalities. Thus, pleasing God is not only praying or praising Him, but to mean what you do and to understand what you do. This is true Worship!

The above are some thoughts by me and some are extracted from the Purpose Driven Life. Well, the song posted yesterday, "Above All Else" was based on the same thing. The true worship.

Well, it's the amaths paper one today. It was kinda difficult for me. It might be an easy paper, maybe it's because I didn't put in sufficient effort in my revision. Well, I reap what I sow... He who sow wickedness reaps troubles... hahaz.... Well, that's all... bye

crucified at 1:43:00 PM
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Sunday, September 19, 2004

ABOVE ALL ELSE

How wide is Your great love
That You would come and die for me
The Lamb that's been given
So I may come receive
Your grace it overflows
Your mercy fills me in my soul
Such a wonderful Saviour
Who knows me like my own

What a privilege for me to come depend
on a God who calls me by my name, my friend

Above all else
I want to love You like You do
Lord I will worship like I should
I will give my all to You

Above all else
I want to live my life each day
Pleasing in every single way
Jesus I will offer up my all to You

There're times when I would fall
When I can't seem to hear You call
But I know that You're here Lord
You'll never let me go
You'll always stand by me
For who I am and used to be
Don't deserve any of these
The things You freely give

crucified at 8:09:00 PM
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It has been days since I last posted about what's happening. Well, had a few papers. Social Studies, Bio Pract, Geography, E Maths P1 & P2, as well as Sci Pract. Well, the remaining papers are namely, A Maths P1 & P2, Sci P3 & P1 and Bio P1 & P2. Well, the day of the last paper would be on the 28th September. Haiz.. life's getting more stressful each day. Well, that's life that God has planned. Well... It's 7.46pm now, and I still have 8 more chapters of A-Maths to go. Tommorrow shall be the A maths paper ONE... Really feel regretful about my past. IF... I hadn't been lazing around, not paying close attention or any awareness of urgency, I'd not have ended up in this so-called pathetic state. Should it be too late for me to be zapped back into reality? There's nothing else I could do other than telling myself "It's never too late!" Well, life will never be meaningful if I keep on using the term "IF"... I should be satisfied with my present state, as it's the consequences of what I've done, be it positive or negative. Well.. I think that I should get back to my revision before it's really too late to do anything. Guess I'll end here. Bye...

crucified at 7:51:00 PM
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