Saturday, October 09, 2004

crucified at 9:52:00 PM
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Friday, October 08, 2004

I can't describe my feeling right now. Maybe I would say, "Angry and Despair".

I really have no mood for anything now. My heart and my soul seem to have been taken away by something or someone. I've not been behaving like Chin Ho for the past few days (since Tuesday), including today. Something just cause me to lose my desire for everything, except that something. Let me start writing what happened to me on Tuesday - the beginning. I slept really early on Tuesday (5th Oct) night. Around eight I think. However, I woke up late the next morning. It was because I was too concentrated in a dream. It was about someone and everything was about that someone. Well, I reached school slightly later than my usual reporting time on Wednesday morning. I felt a slight change in my behaviour and actions. My soul was somehow departed from my flesh and it seemed as if I was pre-occupied by something. Then came recess. Things went relatively smooth and normal - though I didn't talk much. Then, I saw something/someone. "It couldn't be... no..." I told myself. Time passed extremely slow and I really couldn't concentrate during lesson anymore. I felt sick.

The 1.50 bell rang. Finally - but not really. I saw that someone again. I felt like stepping forward to say something - but... I didn't. I knew I had to keep myself occupied before I go bonkers. All I thought of was to get back home as soon as possible - I do not know why. I went to the bus stop and boarded the bus. I alighted at Lorong 1 for a transfer at another bus stop. It was about 50 metres away - but I took so long that it seemed like a kilometre. I wasn't thinking of anything, and I feel the emptiness inside me. I really felt like crying. I waited for my bus. It was only thirty minutes later before I finally boarded a bus. It not because that the bus was late, but it's because I've let few buses, which I should board, to pass by me. It was a short yet long journey home.

Lunch was ready at that time, but I felt full. Thus, I never had my lunch that day. I switched my computer on and started to wait. I waited for a couple of hours, but with no avail. I decided to write something. I knew it would be worse if I continue to wait. Therefore, I decided to escape by forcing myself to sleep - I succeeded.

It was Thursday. Well, God didn't grant me what I've hoped for. I waited and waited in the hall, but I didn't see. And the rest of the day was like Wednesday (except I didn't miss the bus again). Well, people around me started to find me weird, or maybe it's because I told them that I am not myself.

3 days passed. And it's Friday. God did granted me what I've hoped, but He took it back. Someone told me, "Ni si xin ba" which means you better let your desire dies. What does he mean? He didn't want to tell me. I hate such people, who wants to tell something but like to make people worry. I simply hate it.

For the next couple of days, I guess I would still behave in such ways, unless something happened. Thus, don't get surprised.

If you are wondering what am I talking about. I guess only the someone will know.

crucified at 5:26:00 PM
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Monday, October 04, 2004

crucified at 7:12:00 PM
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Yes! Truly indeed! Sometimes our lives are just not in our own hands.

As scheduled, this morning was the motivational talk by Adam Khoo Learning Technologies. Although it was not hosted by Adam Khoo himself, the conductor did a great job. His name is Ramesh I guess. Well, maybe the principal purposely arranged the talk to be today as we would be getting our results right after the talk. It was indeed an interesting session and I've indeed benefited a lot - although I am struggling myself throughout. The part that created a strong impression in me is when he said something about life. Life is about choice and journey. The past doesn't affect the future. The way he elaborated these two theories really had a great impact on me.

As mentioned, results are released today. I would not disclose anything here - but I did not say you can't ask me (personally). Well, I had been worrying about it and it really almost caused me to breakdown. Just 5 minutes before the papers were returned for checking, I still asked, "How am I going to trust God?". I know I shouldn't doubt. But it's human nature to - though you guys may say, it's a choice whether I trust or doubt. Anyway, results were beyond expectation (lower than expected, except for english). However, the naggings that I've expected turned out to be encouragement instead. This is what my mum said, "I am not really disappointed with your results, I am quite pleased. But I know you can do better. So, cut down on your computer to 2 hours daily and study hard okay?" These words are really heart-soothing. She even allows me to use the computer for 2 hours daily.

I do not know how should I praise Him. He is just so amazing. Although I did not get the results I want to, but I know, yes I know, that His grace is still with me and this is just a wake-up call from Him. Once again, He let me experience Him. Words alone just can't express my gratitude.

crucified at 6:09:00 PM
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Sunday, October 03, 2004

crucified at 8:30:00 PM
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10 Reasons to Believe in a God who allows suffering

1. Suffering Comes With The Freedom To Choose
Loving parents long to protect their children from unnecessary pain. But wise parents know the danger of over-protection. They know that the freedom to choose is at the heart of what it means to be human, and that a world without choice would be worse than a world without pain. Worse yet would be a world populated by people who could make wrong choices without feeling any pain. No one is more dangerous than the liar, thief, or killer who doesn't feel the harm he is doing to himself and to others (Genesis 2:15-17).

2. Pain Can Warn Us Of Danger
We hate pain, especially in those we love. Yet without discomfort, the sick wouldn't go to a doctor. Worn-out bodies would get no rest. Criminals wouldn't fear the law. Children would laugh at correction. Without pangs of conscience, the daily dissatisfaction of boredom, or the empty longing for significance, people who are made to find satisfaction in an eternal Father would settle for far less. The example of Solomon, lured by pleasure and taught by his pain, shows us that even the wisest among us tend to drift from good and from God until arrested by the resulting pain of their own shortsighted choices (Ecclesiastes 1-12; Psalms 78:34-35; Romans 3:10-18).

3. Suffering Reveals What Is In Our Hearts
Suffering often occurs at the hand of others. But it has a way of revealing what is in our own hearts. Capacities for love, mercy, anger, envy, and pride can lie dormant until awakened by circumstances. Strength and weakness of heart is found not when everything is going our way but when flames of suffering and temptation test the mettle of our character. As gold and silver are refined by fire, and as coal needs time and pressure to become a diamond, the human heart is revealed and developed by enduring the pressure and heat of time and circumstance. Strength of character is shown not when all is well with our world but in the presence of human pain and suffering (Job 42:1-17; Romans 5:3-5; James 1:2-5;1 Peter 1:6-8).

4. Suffering Takes Us To The Edge Of Eternity
If death is the end of everything, then a life filled with suffering isn't fair. But if the end of this life brings us to the threshold of eternity, then the most fortunate people in the universe are those who discover, through suffering, that this life is not all we have to live for. Those who find themselves and their eternal God through suffering have not wasted their pain. They have let their poverty, grief, and hunger drive them to the Lord of eternity. They are the ones who will discover to their own unending joy why Jesus said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 5:1-12;Romans 8:18-19).

5. Pain Loosens Our Grip On This Life
In time, our work and our opinions are sought less and less. Our bodies become increasingly worse for the wear. Gradually they succumb to inevitable obsolescence. Joints stiffen and ache. Eyes grow dim. Digestion slows. Sleep becomes difficult. Problems loom larger and larger while options narrow. Yet, if death is not the end but the threshold of a new day, then the curse of old age is also a blessing. Each new pain makes this world less inviting and the next life more appealing. In its own way, pain paves the way for a graceful departure ( Ecclesiastes 12:1-14).

6. Suffering Gives Opportunity To Trust God
The most famous sufferer of all time was a man named Job. According to the Bible, Job lost his family to "a mighty wind," his wealth to war and fire, and his health to painful boils. Through it all, God never told Job why it was happening. As Job endured the accusations of his friends, heaven remained silent. When God finally did speak, He did not reveal that His archenemy Satan had challenged Job's motives for serving God. Neither did the Lord apologize for allowing Satan to test Job's devotion to God. Instead, God talked about mountain goats giving birth, young lions on the hunt, and ravens in the nest. He cited the behavior of the ostrich, the strength of the ox, and the stride of the horse. He cited the wonders of the heavens, the marvels of the sea, and the cycle of the seasons. Job was left to conclude that if God had the power and wisdom to create this physical universe, there was reason to trust that same God in times of suffering (Job 1-42).

7. God Suffers With Us In Our Suffering
No one has suffered more than our Father in heaven. No one has paid more dearly for the allowance of sin into the world. No one has so continuously grieved over the pain of a race gone bad. No one has suffered like the One who paid for our sin in the crucified body of His own Son. No one has suffered more than the One who, when He stretched out His arms and died, showed us how much He loved us. It is this God who, in drawing us to Himself, asks us to trust Him when we are suffering and when our own loved ones cry out in our presence ( 1 Peter 2:21; 3:18; 4:1).

8. God's Comfort Is Greater Than Our Suffering
The apostle Paul pleaded with the Lord to take away an unidentified source of suffering. But the Lord declined saying, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." "Therefore," said Paul, "most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). Paul learned that he would rather be with Christ in suffering than without Christ in good health and pleasant circumstances.

9. In Times Of Crisis, We Find One Another
No one would choose pain and suffering. But when there is no choice, there remains some consolation. Natural disasters and times of crisis have a way of bringing us together. Hurricanes, fires, earthquakes, riots, illnesses, and accidents all have a way of bringing us to our senses. Suddenly we remember our own mortality and that people are more important than things. We remember that we do need one another and that, above all, we need God. Each time we discover God's comfort in our own suffering, our capacity to help others is increased. This is what the apostle Paul had in mind when he wrote, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God" ( 2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

10. God Can Turn Suffering Around For Our Good
This truth is best seen in the many examples of the Bible. Through Job's suffering we see a man who not only came to a deeper understanding of God but who also became a source of encouragement for people in every generation to follow. Through the rejection, betrayal, enslavement, and wrongful imprisonment of a man named Joseph, we see someone who eventually was able to say to those who had hurt him, "You meant evil against me; but God meant it for good" ( Genesis 50:20). When everything in us screams at the heavens for allowing suffering, we have reason to look at the eternal outcome and joy of Jesus who in His own suffering on an executioner's cross cried, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" ( Matthew 27:46).

Source: Radio Bible Class

crucified at 6:37:00 PM
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crucified at 6:14:00 PM
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