Saturday, October 30, 2004

Wonder if you would ever know and believe the reality that I've fallen for you. For the past weeks, I've been asking myself what am I really doing and what's the purpose of everything. I've thought through and I've came out with my own conclusion not long ago. I confessed to you but I took it back again. I thought everything is done and completed and I am no longer engaged in anything such matters. I was wrong. I do really like you, believe it or not. I know what I am doing. No, I am not playing around with such matters. I just stumbled for a while and I know that it's you - finally. But how can I express out to you again? Will you believe? Will there be a chance for me? I dare not think. MAybe I just need a few days to think through to decide whether to tell you or not. Maybe I would just leave it unrevealed-.

The Lord talked to me again. Through my Quiet Time today, I learnt about decision making - where to get the answer from Him. It was really encouraging and morale boosting when you are experiencing God. Not feeling well emotionally at the moment. So I think I will continue another time.

crucified at 9:11:00 PM
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Friday, October 29, 2004

"My Lord, my Lord, listen to me. Put your hand in my heart and take away my sorrow. You promised not to let me fall, and you said you will protect and bless me wherever I go and whatever I do. Where are you when I am hurt? Hear my cry, dear. Stop me tears, Lord. Tell me that you will provide. Tell me that you are here. Dear Lord, I know that you will always be with me, always. And I pray, that you would continue to provide me the strength to carry on and make this yet another trial for me to test me faith in you. For I know, you have a plan for each and everyone of us. Bless us, guide us, protect us - my family."

On my way home on the bus, I received a call that my dad's only helper of the restaurant has resigned. I do not know the reason why and I did not know what to do. I immediately closed my eyes and talked to Him. And after every sentences, I could feel God's answers. He was so close to me just now and I am sure that was Him, prompting my heart, telling me what to do next. I've always wanting my dad to join us in Singapore. I've been living with my mum and brother all this while. How I wish that I can be like the others, enjoying every weekend. The reason he needs to be in malaysia is because he has to take care of my grandparents. I've been feeling unfair for him. He is not the only son. My grandparents have 6 sons and a daughter and 3 of them are staying in Singapore while the rest dispersed to all parts of Malaysia. Why should my dad be the only one staying down there to take care of my grandparents? How about others? I decided to give him a call just now.

I asked him to hire a temporary staff and join us as soon as possible. I told him alot of things and I even mentioned that it's not his full obligation to look after my grandparents. I did ask him to bring them to Singapore as well. But all he said was "Can I?". Why can't? He can always ask his siblings to stay there or make some arrangements. He's been staying there for nearly twenty years. He has a family and why should he stay there? Few of my uncles are not married yet. why can't they look after my grandparents instead? I know that I shouldn't be selfish. But, don't they feel that they are too much? I had never talk to him like this before and he must be wondering how come I suddenly talk to him in this way. This was indeed the first time I said something in a more matured way. I didn't talk to him much. But I just couldn't hold on anymore. I've got more to say and I am sure that they will definitely get shocked if I let everything out. I may seem to be a young kid who doesn't express his feelings. But, the reality is always surprising. I had a hard time controlling my tears just now and I am sure dad sort of teared too. Frankly speaking, my eyes are still red at the moment. Why is God so unfair?

I know that he has been suffering through the years and he really has to work extra hard to ensure the survival of the three of us here. Every dollar we spent, he has to make two ringgits. He is a human too. I am sure he would like to join us, but he just couldn't leave my grandparents alone there. I am going to make another promise today. I am going to work hard on my studies and let him enjoy life earlier. I was even more touched and "hurt" by the last sentence before we ended the call. "You don't have to worry so much, just be good and I'll be happy." I can't continue anymore...

i love you, dad.

crucified at 8:42:00 PM
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Thursday, October 28, 2004

It's BIO practical exam this afternoon. I think I can pass but will not score high. It was quite challenging for me as there are so many possible answers and I hard a hard time making any firm decisions. Life is full of decisions. The first thing that I thought of when I woke up this morning was none other than you. I can't stop myself from thinking or brooding over you. I know that it's impossible for me but I still do. When would this stop? Well, had nothing much to blog today... maybe tomorrow bahz...

crucified at 6:08:00 PM
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Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Everything in my life seems to be contradicting each other. My life is just like an expired carton of milk. The packaging looks just fine and convincing but the milk has expired. I feel that I've yet learnt to control or handle my life the correct way. Sometimes when I look back, I really felt like laughing and felt like giving myself a punch in my face. At times when I make decisions, I would feel that it's right. But events after events, I realised that I've made the wrong decision. I am feeling so lost and so helpless. I said I like you, I said I was desperate and I said I like you no more and now I want to say I like you. What am I talking about? Well, can someone kill me? Maybe I just take things to lightly and did not think of the possible consequences before making any decision. I am feeling so regretful.. AHHHH!!!!

crucified at 9:56:00 PM
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crucified at 9:10:00 PM
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Tuesday, October 26, 2004

crucified at 2:49:00 PM
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Monday, October 25, 2004

crucified at 8:33:00 PM
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Sunday, October 24, 2004

crucified at 10:06:00 PM
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Personality cocktail From Go-Quiz.com

crucified at 4:46:00 PM
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God's people have made a decision about Jesus but have never made a commitment to Him.

There are so many Christians all over the world. All of them made a decision by saying, "Yes, I do believe in Christ and I want to accept Him." However, they did not proceed on to make a commitment to Christ which is about making a deliberate choice to follow Him, to deny ownself, take up our own cross and follow Him as well as completing the race and to keep the faith burning in the end. It is often hard to deny ourselves, our lives, our lifestyles. In another word, it's about leaving our comfort zone and doing something that we won't enjoy. Making a commitment is also about making decisions which will have a major change and impact on our lives such as forsaking something that we consider essential and important in our lives. Who, therefore, is willing to give up on so many things?

So what's the problem? Firstly, there is a misplaced love. Instead of being lovers of God, we become the lovers of themselves, money but not lovers of the good but lovers of pleasure. Do you know that God is displeased? In Revelation 2:4, it says "Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love." Secondly, it's the deformed faith of us. The earthly things that we do tends to hinder us from discovering our faith and caused our faith to be deformed. Thirdly, it's about rejecting the truth. Though we always listen to the truth but we never able to acknowledge it. We only listen to what pleases us but not everything regardless of anything. That's called rejecting the truth.

Someone said, "If you love a soul more than you love your own life and if you live to bring that soul to Christ, then I can promise you there will be pain, but I can also promise you that you will experience the highest joy." A life of total commitment to Jesus is definitely not a smooth one. You will suffer and you will have to be prepared to endure the pain. But I tell you, you are suffering for the sake of eternity. When the day arrives, you will inherit the priceless inheritance of God.

crucified at 2:21:00 PM
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crucified at 10:49:00 AM
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