Saturday, August 14, 2004

I can't tolerate anymore. Since you guys think that I was not serious, I might just leave.

Went to the nearby coffee shop with them. Well, I do expect the ending. They were talking about none other than me. Insulting me. My every aspect. My past. Passing judgement. Giving unreal remarks. I can't stand it anymore. I decided to talk to them, seriously. I asked them to try putting themselves in my shoes, then eugene joke about it. I was so irritated. My tears threatened to fall. I managed to hold my anger within myself. However, there is a limit to everything. I continued to explain my discomfort, but they ignored everything. I picked up my bag, and left...

So what if I were to lose 4 friends at one go? I still have Jesus. Since I don't intend to talk to them anymore, any longer, I might tell you their names. They are namely Brendan Chew, Jonathan Cho, Eugene Foo and Yeo Jie Shun!!!

crucified at 6:27:00 PM
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Friday, August 13, 2004

Lord, Let Me Grow in order to honor You

Those whom are close to me should know that I, am thinking of changing a church, my second home. I thought that this only matters to me and God, and not to others. However, I am facing many opposition from others. They claim that I have the wrong purpose (without asking me why). They claim that church-hopper is similar as job-hopper. Well, if I were to change one, it would be my first time. I just feel that I couldn't grow in Emmaus, but I don't mean that I am definitely going to settle down at RiverLife. A brother once told me, "The only thing that we are worried about is your growth. Even if you leave and join another place, as long as you are growing, it will be alright with us." Well, can't the others have the same mindset with him? No matter which church I am in, be it anywhere on earth, ain't we worshipping the same God? Well, I just need a place that I can truly grow, so as to honor and worship Him to my fullest. Giving Him my unlimited trust, unreserved obedience and undividing worship. I admit that I had not been praying hard about this matter. I eventually neglected it. Well, by God's grace, they eventually brought this matter up before the Prayer Meeting today. That reminded me how serious this matter is. It's about my walk with Him, my relationship with Him and eventually my destiny. I know I should start praying hard about this matter now. I can't possibly be a "church-less" christian. (Not even for a second). Maybe I should start planning my life, discover my goals, my purpose.

PLAN ONE
By 2014 - A degree in Social Work
By 2015 - Social Worker in the MCYS
By 2028 - Enter Bible College
By 20XX - Serve in the Christian Ministry

PLAN TWO
By 2015 - A teacher
By 2030 - Enter Bible College
By 20XX - Serve in the Christian Ministry

The above plans may seem unrealistic to some people. They are still my plans anyway. My primary ambition is to be a social worker. I want to help people who are in need, and take opportunities to spur them and deliver them the GOOD NEWS!. I also want to be a Pastor by the age of 45, to serve Him for the rest of my life. Well, got something important to attend to. Bye...

crucified at 8:18:00 PM
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Thursday, August 12, 2004

DEAR LORD, I COMMIT MY RESULT INTO YOUR HAND, AND MAY IT GLORIFY YOU, MY FATHER IN HEAVEN.

The above was my prayer this morning, while I was on the bus to school. Today is the date when the 'O' Level Chinese results are released. Well, I can't say that I am not worried nor anxious at all. Well, all I could say is that I was able to put my trust in Him (although only in the end). Well, someone once told me, if I glorify Him, He will surely glorify us. During recess, we were all so excited to know what result we got. Well, my intuition told me that I would get only a B4 or even lower. Well, by God's grace, I managed to get an A1. Well, I shared this not because I want to let people know that I get this grade. But it's because I want to let others know that as long as you put your fullest Trust in Him, and leave the rest to Him, He will glorify you. Well, have biology test tomorrow, gotta study liao... byebye...

crucified at 8:23:00 PM
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Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Purify my heart & make me Holy

I need some purification now, by the Holy Spirit. Just feeling that I am straying from the heavenly Father each day. The Satan is gradually taking over me. And as for Him, well, I couldn't feel Him anymore. I feel like a rubbish now. I missed my Quiet Moment with Him. I missed the times of fellowship. I missed everything. My knowledge of Him has become more shallow each day. I have to stop this. Ain't my purpose on this earth is to serve Him? I hadn't been touching my bible (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth)... Isn't QT a basic for christian? what am I doing all day long? Idling? Chatting online and doing things that are not edifying? O Gosh, guide me O Lord, Bring me back to You. Rebuild the covenantm Lord.

Received a call from eugene foo in the morning yesterday. Asked me to have "lunch" at Seoul Garden. Well, I couldn't make a firm reply as my mobile was with mum (her mobile's battery's flat). Well, waited for her till 2 plus in the afternoon. Then I realised that I would be having my niology test today. I called to tell him that I no longer wanna go... hahaz... but he claimed that everyone was waiting for me (they could have gone right after the first phone call). well, in order to be a responsible person, I went. hahaz.. waited for bus 70 for like 20 minutes. then the journey took another 20 minutes. Reached Marina SQ at around 4pm. The students' promotion ends at 4.30pm... hahaz... at least we made it... hahaz... paid $58.30 altogether... so expensive.. hahaz.. hmm... had ice-cream at the beginning... well... We used so much spoons that no more is left... hahaz... then we "stole" some from the tables around us... hahaz... imagine a table left with 4 forks but 0 spoon... hahaz... hmm... ate 11 plates of meat...hahaz... sounds scary... but we "finished" them anyway... hmm... reached home at 8pm and drowned myself in my bio textbook (although i couldn't absorb anything then)...

well, biology test was postponed (yingru forgot to inform us yesterday). Thank God.

crucified at 7:16:00 PM
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Tuesday, August 10, 2004

REGRET

People are like cars
Life is like an expressway
Some
Just drove by your life
And made no significance
And some
Would stop for a while
But left

Some day
I constructed a parking lot
where a car may be parked
And the driver would stay

Somewhere along
I met you
I knew you were not
Just another ordinary car
The sight of you
captured my heart
I prayed that you would stay

But fate
is always against me
You stopped for a while
But you left almost immediately

I couldn't have the chance to say
"You are special to me"
Couldn't have the chance to ask
"Will you stay here, with me?"

I knew
I wouldn't get to know anyone
Like you
Anymore

How I wish I could say
"I love you"

- Humphrey Tan (a messy product)

crucified at 12:18:00 AM
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Monday, August 09, 2004

Happy National Day!

woke up at 10am in the morning. wanted to join my QCP for QT and worship but it's too late le.. hahaz... well... met benjamin to collect the pictures taken... then met up with brendan at aljunied mcdonald's ... hmm... stayed there until 3.30pm when i found out that i had to go for ndp today... hahaz... rushed home immediately... changed my clothes and ran out again... it took less than 10 minutes... hahaz.. walked there as it's near my house... a 10 minutes walk...

took some pictures

^My brother (cute right? just like me!)

^The parachute (Total Defence)

^ The contingents

^ The state flag (during the anthem)

^ The President

^ The fireworks (only a few still pics taken, caused most were recorded)

well, the ending was a chaos... people were pushing each other as they passed through the gate.. hmm.. at a certain place, before the squash centre, the police decided to let a limited amount of people to pass at a time.. this caused a "conflict"... the people were shouting and cursing at the officers... the officers claimed that they did that for security reason. but a man shouted back with, "What kind of security reason is this? open that bloody gate NOW!".. hahaz.. just like a riot... but i like it.. hahaz.. hmm... so much to say.. well...shall keep u in suspense...

crucified at 9:28:00 PM
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went for the fireworks festival yesterday's evening. hmm... met up with eugene foo and randall earlier to buy something.. but couldn't make up our minds on what to buy... hmm.. therefore, we gave up as jon cho, joylynn and zs arrived le... and jonathan seemed impatient.... hahaz.. no choice, but to head for the convention hall to meet up with the girls... however, they failed to arrived on time... me and eugene stayed while the rest went to yoshinoya to buy "dinner"... hmm... jasmine and cassandra arrived but not sarah... thus, we asked them to wait as we went to hunt for the "things" we wanna buy... hmm... went to precious thots... eugene bought a "clock" while i bought only a birthday card (why should i buy expensive stuff)... wahhahahaz... went to a corner to write the message...

well.. the esplanade was packed with people, even the outside... hmm... we walked along the bridge (roadside) to the merlion park... it was blocked... gosh!... hm... went to cliford pier instead... hahaz... so crowded also... we settled down and after that decided to walk to the front and stayed standing till the thing start... however, some "typical singaporeans" said that we were inconsiderate as we were blocking those SITTING behind us... well, can't they stand anyway?... well.....heck care... everyone stood up when the fireworks were set.. ANYWAY.!.. hahaz... managed to capture some pics and 2 short clips... hmm...

took a train (crowded as expected) to aljunied... then went to jon's house to watch the soccer match between arsenal and man u... hm... man u was defeated by a score of 3 is to 1... hahaz... well... the match was a comedy throughout... hmm... reached home at 12 plus.. in the morning.. hahaz...

below are some pics of yesterdae...

crucified at 12:04:00 AM
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Sunday, August 08, 2004

Yesterday was the Thanksgiving cum prize presentation ceremony @ kallang theatre. woke up at 5.45am in the morning as I had to wait for eugene and brendan (coming in a cab to "pick" me up from the bus-stop). Went to mac for breakfast. Had a rather quick one as I have to deliver the Ticket to amie. well, reached at 8am sharp but didn't see her. saw shuyi, asked her to pass the tix to amie for me. hmm.. the official meeting time was 8.30am...gotta hang around for 30 minutes before reporting to the assembly venue. hmm... well.. mum and cousin reached late. they reached at about 9.35am... well, whatever... hmm.. the first part was the band... well... poor coordination with the timing... the band didn't know what else to play and the instructor kept looking at the watch (in front of all the audience)... so "malu"... hahaz... then came the worship, dance, worship & then choir... hahaz... hmm... the principal's speech came after that... well... didn't really know what was he trying to say... hahaz... the next part was the message delivered by the guest-of-honor - Bishop Dr Robert Solomon. He brought us a message called "Called to Shine"... in accordance to Matthew 5:14-26... hmm... he was quite humorous... well, the most exciting part came... the prize presentation... so anxious were we... hahaz... well... it was my turn and I was like....trembling... wahhahaaz... not really lahz... hmm... when I stopped in front of the GOH, he said, "Chin Ho, May God Bless You!"... hm... hahaz...well, went for reception after that. hmm... well, mum and cousin went home first...

everything was over. well, as if my secondary life was gone... away.. felt like crying... especially during the part when the choir sang.. "Hear my Prayer".. it was so touching.. and so meaningful... it's about someone doubting God's presence and answer, and he has lost his way in life. And he is praying that God will answer his prayer, listen to his cry and see him through everything... I think that this song may have been written according to Psalm 102....well, I feel that I am just like that guy in the song... praying hard for His Majesty's guidance, praying hard that He would listen to my every cry, every sorrow, every request.

MY PRAYER

Hear my prayer, O Lord
Let my cry for help
come to you.
Do not hide
your face from me,
When I am
in distress.
Turn your ear
to me ,
when I call,
answer me
quickly.

Answer me, O Lord
Let my every request
Made known to You
Do not keep
Your plan from me,
When I feel
Lost.

Keep my faith, O LORD
Keep my only desire
burning
Let me stray
not from You
As I walk on
this world
Reveal Yourself O Lord
Show me
Thy power
And thy
Kingdom

Dry my tears, O LORD
As I cry for
Your love
For Your mercy
and grace
Guide my path, O Lord
As I walk this narrow way
To the narrow gate
Which leads to Your Kingdom

AMEN.

- Humphrey Tan

crucified at 12:06:00 AM
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