Saturday, August 21, 2004

Light and Darkness will never compromise with each other.

I asked myself, "Have I been hiding my sins from God? Have I been sinning against Him frequently? How would God feel then?" Well, I've sort of thought through these questions. Well, I must admit that there are some things that I do trying to hide from God. They are some things that I am ashamed with and hope that God does not see or hear them. However, having this kind of thinking is really foolish. He is an all-knowing God, He looks into hearts. How could I hide anything from Him then? And if I were really and ready to repent, why don't I confess my mistakes to Him and ask for His forgiveness to be upon me?

Second question: Have I been sinning against Him frequently? Some people would say, "Sinning is caused by human nature. No one can change it." Well, does it mean that God created us to make us sin? The answer is an absolute NO! He made us for two purposes. 1. To glorify Him. 2. To expand His Kingdom (The Great Commission). Well, I must also admit that I have been sinning against Him recently, frequently. Be it intentionally or unintentionally, I do sin against Him. I lied, I murdered (with tongue), I stumbled people and much more.

Third question: How would God feel then? Well, if I were to keep sinning, I would be no different from the pagans out there. I would eventually became an enemy of God. He would definitely feels upset and disappointed. It's like losing a child. Losing something which is important. The level of pain is comparable to the suffering He experienced on the day of crucifixion. It really breaks His heart.

Hmm, maybe it's time for me to reflect on my past. Reflect about what I've done. Reflect about what to do next. As the source of sins is the world, maybe it's time to me to abide with what Colossians chapter 3 says, that I should set my mind on things above and not on earthly things. Secondly, 1 John also says this, "Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world--the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does--comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever." This is indeed a powerful and meaningful passage that has entirely changed my heart, my mindset, my thinking and also my cravings for the earthly things. To summarise this passage, it is telling that the world and the WORD cannot compromise each other. Both of them are from different sources and thus will lead to different destinations. By following and loving the world, I will be led to eternal destruction in hell (The world and its desires pass away), but by following the Word of God, I will gain eternal life through Him (the man who does the will of God lives forever).

After thinking of what earthly desires or things I "was" craving for, I felt a high level of foolishness in me. I felt that how stupid was I to let the Devil, the father of lies, to take control of all my life. How careless was I, to fall into the trap laid by the devil. Fortunately, by God's grace, I was able to wake up on time. For when someone has fallen into the trap of the devil, it would be hard, really hard to get out of it. This shows how deadly and fatal it is for giving satan a green light to enter your life. I have learnt my lesson, and I will never ever be so careless and foolish again.

THANK YOU, LORD. AMEN

crucified at 9:22:00 PM
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- Humphrey Tan

crucified at 12:29:00 PM
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Friday, August 20, 2004

A thought came to me, and I feel like saying it out.

"I wish to tell the "her" of my heart. That I am still waiting."

crucified at 8:18:00 PM
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SICK! SICK! SICK!

Today's mass pe was a demanding one. I should say that it was a total torture. 150 Jumping Jets, 50 push-ups and 50 sit-ups etc. Well, maybe the teachers just did not have a taste of such things before. Whenever anyone is caught "not doing", he would be punished by having to do ten times extra or to run for quite a distance. Today was my first mass pe since two years ago, yet so many things happened. During the exercises, I started to feel a little unwell. My vision became blurred and I felt tightening of my chest. There was a vomiting sensation. Well, I continued till everything was over. Just when I thought that the "torture" had ended, Mr. James Lim said, "last 25 push-ups and sit-ups" Oh My Gosh! I knew I was going to die. However, I completed them (not fully).

Had CME lesson for the first period of the day. Felt very tired and drained when I went back to class. However, the vomiting and dizzy sensation were still in me. Furthermore, Mrs. Ho wanted us to remain standing as she's dividing us into groups. I felt like collapsing on the spot. I can't stop the sweat from falling and my body from trembling. Soon, I can't hold on anymore. I requested to go to the washroom (using hand sign). I dashed out of the class, into the washroom. I vomitted. Lots of water. Well, the feeling ain't good. Then found out that I've forgotten to bring some tissue along. Well, proceeded to wash my face and eventually used my shirt to clean my face. Hahaz, my shirt was "soaked" with sweat and water. Went back to class arounf 10 minutes later.

"Are you okay, chin ho?" Mrs. Ho asked. "Do you want to change (my shirt), you are drenched."

I declined before I saw Miss Lim (VP) sitting on my chair. She's one of my class' CME "teacher". hmm... she asked whether I was okay and asked me to change into my uniform.

"But...I have PE later." I told her.

"But you are not feeling well." she replied.

Well, I shall be an obedient pupil then.

She asked me for a paper when I came back. She wrote a letter for me to give to my PE teacher to exercise me from PE today. Hmm..well.... "skipped PE"

It is a Friday today - Prayer Meeting, followed by Teachers' Day Item rehearsal. Well, only 8 of us turned up. Supposed to be around 20 of us. Well, many back-out... well, what else can I do. hmm... to those whom were with me before the rehearsal, I apologise for my attitude just now. I don't mean to give you guys that kind of erm... attitude and I know I shouldn't have thrown my temper at you guys (by "throwing" the chairs, files and ignoring you guys). Well, I think that you guys are understanding and sensible enough to erm... pardon me. I was really fuming just now. Many things just went through my mind and really caused my to burst. Never had this feeling in school before. I tried my best to control. But everything was just beyond my limit.

Oh yah, regarding the church issue, I've made a firm decision. I shall go RiverLife tomorrow (you know what I mean). Well, at least for now, I should solve all the problems one by one. The next pressing problem is that how should I break it out to the emmasians? my discipler? my fellow brothers & sisters? Please pray for me.

I don't think I should continue from here. I think I've hurt my diaphragm cause it is giving my occasional pain... well... that's all...bye...

crucified at 7:30:00 PM
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Thursday, August 19, 2004

DESIRING GOD

I do bid that all will come
And drink with me the waters from
The Fountain of delights whom we
Call Christ, and that we taste and see
The fullness of His Father's joy
Which none can make and none destroy
And that we take from His right hand
Eternal pleasures He has planned

For those who love Him more than all
His gifts and gladly leave the small
And fleeting pleasures of this earth
To savour Gof and all He's worth
And show by our Pursuit that from
His holy Fountain flows far more
Than earth could ever hold in store
with great and lasting joy and all

His goodness shines with brightest rays
When we delight in all His ways
His glory overflows its rim
When we are satisfied in Him
His radiance will fill the earth
When people revel in His worth
The beauty of God's holy fire
Burns brightest in the heart's desire

Our love for Thee is far too small
Who love another thing at all
So may the Spirit's holy flame
Ignite in us for Gos's great name
a holy passion, zeal and fire
That magnify Him with desire
I hail Him as my joy in life
And take from His hand my entire

My Quest, my dream
Is I may be satisfied in Him
that He is glorified the Most
That in Him I will forever boast
I hail Him as my joy in life

- John Piper

crucified at 10:09:00 PM
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Wednesday, August 18, 2004

I prayed to Him regarding the Holy Spirit today. I feel that I've been sinning against Him recently. I can't control myself, I have been letting my human nature (which is always controlled by the evil ones), to take control over my all. I reacted to situations in a non-christian way, it was as if I was my own God. I began to be influenced by what people around me were discussing. I began to possess hatred. I began to join in their conversations of criticism. Sometimes I even started it. Why? It's because I have forgotten God. I have neglected Him, and have let the evil ones entered me. I have been trying to change, but the desire for change is often seasonal, sometimes I felt like changing, but sometimes there are many excuses such as "Everyone sins, why can't I?", "I promise I'd change tomorrow!". However, nothing seems to be changed. Everything remains the same as the past. It's just like the song below:

"But it goes against the way I am; to put my human nature down; and let the Spirit take control of all I do. Cause when those trials come; my human nature shouts the things to do; and God's soft prompting can be easily ignored."

It is always against my way of life (the sinner's way) to stop the actions of my nature. Thus, it became difficult for me to let the Holy Spirit whom God has sent into me, to take control over me. Even if they managed to, my nature would shout the command again when trials and temptations come. Thus, I would not be able to listen to His message, His warning, anymore.

Other than praying for the Holy Spirit to control me, I also prayed that He would allow me to grow. He led me into GM, He led me to Him, for only two purposes - for me to delicate the rest of my life to glorify Him and to make disciples for Him. To make it simple, He wants me to be a living testimony and an instrument to bring the Gospel to the lost ones. However, I have not been doing it. I do not even have the desire for Him now. I feel so lost and so alone now - but I know that He never once left me.

Lastly, I prayed for His guidance and for wisdom to be granted to me. I have also made two commitments unto Him. One of them is that I am willing to serve Him whole-heartedly. "Lord, Thy Servant is waiting for You!" I pray that He would work in accordance to my commitments and lead me to the place where I can dwell and worship Him whole-heartedly and to fulfil the commitments I've made.

Dear Lord,
Thy faithful servant is waiting
Come and reveal Yourself to me
I commit my entire life into Thy hand
Let Thy Spirit dwell in me
I am willing to let it take control over my all
Let me be wise so that I may be like You
Keep my faith renewed as I walk this World
As Thy servant waits patiently for Your arrival
AMEN!

crucified at 11:08:00 PM
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Tuesday, August 17, 2004

why is there LOVE on earth?

Loving someone is easy.
But loving someone quietly is a torture.
Whenever you see her with other guys,
Jealousy would enter your heart.

Is breaking it out AGAIN a solution?
Maybe she just doesn't like me at all.
Or should I gradually let her go?
But this would be a regretful event,

Love hurts
No one would disagree
Love never lasts
No doubt

But why?
Why is there love on earth?
I do not know.

- Phrey-DOMic~

crucified at 8:22:00 PM
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Monday, August 16, 2004

So much things to say. But where should I begin?

Maybe I should use a different colour this time. Sick of the "all-time-black" style. This morning was the moment when all the graduating prefects would have a mixed feeling. (I am not sure about the rest, but to me, definitely). We would probably put on our blazers for the final time, unless we are doing ushering duty for Teachers' Day. Well, I guess so. We got our certificate this morning. that marked the end of our prefect lives. We are no longer engaged with the daily prefects' duties. no longer need to have a large portion of our recess taken up. No longer need to attend the meetings. Before stepping down, we were all complaining about the demanding duties, long meetings and so much tasks. However, when I look back now, there is a feeling of "yi yi bu she". To some people, stepping down is a relief, but to some, it's like losing a part of our lives. Imagine you stop doing a daily routine such as stop brushing your teeth, stop bathing... Well, just as a saying goes, "everything that has a beginning has an end". Maybe it's time for us to let go and let the younger generation to take over and play the role. Well, at least we started well and ended well as well. Therefore, there is not regret.

I wish to thank God for leading me to the board. Making it possible to serve in the board. Indeed, I've learnt many lessons which would aid me in my future. I was trained to lead bravely. I was taught to work humbly. I was given the opportunity to discover my inner, hidden potential. I learnt the importance of time, trust, friendship, leadership and relying on God. Without Him, I can do nothing. He gave me strength when I was weak. He granted me grace and mercy when I committed any mistakes. He provided me with courage when I needed them. He lent me a shoulder, when I need Him. Well, words alone can't explain my deepest gratitude to Him. I really feel like shout His name to the sky and give Him a tight hug.

It was the Teachers' Day rehearsal this afternoon. 99% of the prefects did not know a single word or tune of the song. Well, we planned to meet in the prefects' room to learn the song at 2pm. However, only a few, turned up. Well, it was a great disappointment though. Well, I tried to sing it to them, but they seemed either uninterested or erm... blurred? Well, played amie's singing on the mp3 player to them. Well, they learnt pretty fast and I was hoping that the rehearsal would be a success.

3.30pm arrived so quickly. We had to report to the hall. There was an obvious lack of coordination. No one knows what to do other than passing negative comments. That definitely demoralise us (those who heard). Soon, it was our turn. Everything turned out to be a mess. The piano was out-of-tune, only a few were singing, and everything was such a failure (as I cannot consider it a success). Well, I can see that many of the prefects had tried their best.

"Amie, I can see that you've done your best. You don't have to be sad, alright? Everything's not your fault. It's just the lack of coordination and desire in them. Give them some time and everything would be alright soon. Cheer up!"

The rehearsal ended at around 5.30pm. Well, I felt a little dizzy and pain in my head. Think that it was developed by stress. I read from somewhere that Stress would result in headache and dizziness. Well, wanted to walk home but was afraid that I might collapse on the road and killed by any car. Therefore, decided to take a bus home.

Tomorrow would be my "day". It's the O Level English Oral Examination tomorrow. For me. Well, Pray for me. hmm.. gues I got to go le... byebye...

crucified at 7:40:00 PM
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