_________ i have found my island; waiting for the island to let me in `

Friday, October 29, 2004

"My Lord, my Lord, listen to me. Put your hand in my heart and take away my sorrow. You promised not to let me fall, and you said you will protect and bless me wherever I go and whatever I do. Where are you when I am hurt? Hear my cry, dear. Stop me tears, Lord. Tell me that you will provide. Tell me that you are here. Dear Lord, I know that you will always be with me, always. And I pray, that you would continue to provide me the strength to carry on and make this yet another trial for me to test me faith in you. For I know, you have a plan for each and everyone of us. Bless us, guide us, protect us - my family."

On my way home on the bus, I received a call that my dad's only helper of the restaurant has resigned. I do not know the reason why and I did not know what to do. I immediately closed my eyes and talked to Him. And after every sentences, I could feel God's answers. He was so close to me just now and I am sure that was Him, prompting my heart, telling me what to do next. I've always wanting my dad to join us in Singapore. I've been living with my mum and brother all this while. How I wish that I can be like the others, enjoying every weekend. The reason he needs to be in malaysia is because he has to take care of my grandparents. I've been feeling unfair for him. He is not the only son. My grandparents have 6 sons and a daughter and 3 of them are staying in Singapore while the rest dispersed to all parts of Malaysia. Why should my dad be the only one staying down there to take care of my grandparents? How about others? I decided to give him a call just now.

I asked him to hire a temporary staff and join us as soon as possible. I told him alot of things and I even mentioned that it's not his full obligation to look after my grandparents. I did ask him to bring them to Singapore as well. But all he said was "Can I?". Why can't? He can always ask his siblings to stay there or make some arrangements. He's been staying there for nearly twenty years. He has a family and why should he stay there? Few of my uncles are not married yet. why can't they look after my grandparents instead? I know that I shouldn't be selfish. But, don't they feel that they are too much? I had never talk to him like this before and he must be wondering how come I suddenly talk to him in this way. This was indeed the first time I said something in a more matured way. I didn't talk to him much. But I just couldn't hold on anymore. I've got more to say and I am sure that they will definitely get shocked if I let everything out. I may seem to be a young kid who doesn't express his feelings. But, the reality is always surprising. I had a hard time controlling my tears just now and I am sure dad sort of teared too. Frankly speaking, my eyes are still red at the moment. Why is God so unfair?

I know that he has been suffering through the years and he really has to work extra hard to ensure the survival of the three of us here. Every dollar we spent, he has to make two ringgits. He is a human too. I am sure he would like to join us, but he just couldn't leave my grandparents alone there. I am going to make another promise today. I am going to work hard on my studies and let him enjoy life earlier. I was even more touched and "hurt" by the last sentence before we ended the call. "You don't have to worry so much, just be good and I'll be happy." I can't continue anymore...

i love you, dad.

crucified at 8:42:00 PM
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