_________ i have found my island; waiting for the island to let me in `

Saturday, September 25, 2004

I am feeling really tired and depressed. So many things, so many events and so many issues surrounded me. Just as I told myself that I can't hold on anymore and can live no longer, the Lord sent few people to touch my life and used them to hold me up, to strengthen me. This shows how prayers work. Since the day I decided to leave Emmaus and to join Riverlife, I've been having the feeling of fear and worries as I did not give my siblings in Emmaus an "official" account of my departure. I played badminton with jonathan cho, joylynn, benjamin lim, eugene foo, ze sheng and randall yeaterday and we went singapore post to have our dinner. Just as I reached home, the phone rang and it was Su Yi (my ex-discipler). He hadn't been contacting me for it and I thought that he had already forgotten my existence. Well, he hasn't. He wants to meet up with me regarding my reasons for leaving and regarding the problems I faced. Thus, we've decided on the 2nd October that we'll meet and have a chat.Well, that solved one of my problems.

Well, if anyone of you would notice, I've set my msn nick as "I am breaking down." I didn't expect anyone to care or to show his or her concern by asking anything about it. However, I had two brothers yesterday, whom took the effort to ask why. They are Khai Ying and Jun Liang - though I failed to elaborate it clearly to Jun Liang (I will tell you another day k?). Well, I've spoke (online) with Khai Ying for about half an hour. I told him about some of my problems as he further helped my dig out things that are missing in my life such as the fellowship with fellow siblings. Then, we started to chat about. I told him about myself, noticing a change in some brothers' faith and attitude and how some of them even despise my on my change of house (church). I also told him about how the words or passing remarks, be it intentionally or not, had hurt me deeply and left a scar, in fact a few scars, in my heart (people out there, guys do get hurt too). I ended the conversation half-way through as I was really feeling very dizzy and sick yesterday and needed to rest. He ended off with an encouragement. "I am still your brother, even though you may have left us." That really left a strong sense of the Christ's Spirit. As long as we are Christians, no longer who we are, our race, backgrounds or churches, all Christians belong to a single body, which in Christ Jesus. Nothing can separate us from the Love of our God in Christ Jesus the Lord.

As for today, Bro. Benjamin of Emmaus started a conversation with me. He didn't ask about my nick. However, he started the conversation with, "Is there anything I can pray for you?". This is the kind of brothers that I've been searching for. The matured way of helping a brother by not asking him about the problems directly. That's what I've called brotherly love of Christ. I told him that it's a long story to be elaborated and thus, I summarised everything to him by making few prayer requests. Yes, I believe that He is the one who sent them to me. To spur me on and to help me grow.

My prayer yesterday was answered with 24 hrs, isn't that amazing? As was in the lift yesterday, I told Him, "Lord, I am really tired now, grant me rest." And He immediately sent people to encourage me and to let me feel that I am not alone. Praise Him and let's exalt His Name.

Well, if anyone of you would be caring enough to pray for me, my prayer requests are:
1) Strength to cope with objections, fear and things I do.
2) Strength and Courage to trust in God even in times of struggles and emergencies.
3) A change in my attitude that I would be careful about my tongues and that I would convert hatred into love.
4) Grow in my fellowship with fellow siblings-in-Christ
5) Growth in my walk with Him

If you want a more specific request, please feel free to drop me an email or call me. Thank You & God Bless.

I find the lyrics below very meaningful, thus, I would like to ahre with you guys:

In This Moment

Standing in this moment, and I pray to God that I
Will have the strength to carry on
My heavy burden, my laden face, I weep with silent tears
For him who hears to take this pain away

I don't want to ask for something more than I can bear
But give me the strength I need to trust you more
With my future, my worries, and all I have to offer for love
Lord I love you, Lord I trust you, Lord your goodness cares for me
Lord guide me, Lord lead me on

I've found your freedom, seen your glory
Nothing feels the way you make me feel when I'm with you
I'm awakened with you saying spend today with me
I have so much to offer you

Lord, I've tried to live my life on my own
But then I realized that you're the source of all of me
I was running my race all alone, but then you came to me
Took my hand and led me on

- Chris Keator

crucified at 2:50:00 PM
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