cruciBLOG

2004-12-17T11:52:00.000+08:00

MOVED!!!

2004-12-10T10:55:00.000+08:00

8 more hours before the flight

I am currently having this feeling that there is still something unpacked. I've been thinking about it for quite some time but still haven't got a clue. Well, having lunch with my family at the airport at 2.30pm and meeting the guys at 4pm. The whole day is so packed and what am I doing right now? Nothing. Blogging? Well, that's something too. It was so nice of uncle to give me another two hundred bucks yesterday's night. However, mum wants me to return half of it to him. How sad. A$66.66/day is already sufficient for me bahz. Hmm... think I shall stop here and go and think of what I am lacking... Bye and don't miss me hor.

2004-12-09T10:00:00.000+08:00

ONE MORE DAY!!!

Going to have lunch with Mr. Lian later. Four of us going: Brendan, Eugene and Jonathan too. He wants to meet up with us before the melbourne trip tomorrow. Hmm, actually we were supposed to meet around two weeks ago but I was not in Singapore.

2004-12-08T11:56:00.000+08:00

hmmm... 2 more days to the melbourne trip. i suddenly feel so energetic and excited. well, not solely because of the trip but because of something else which i am NOT GOING TO TELL YOU GUYS. hahaz. i have yet started to pack my belongings and going to convert money later. anyone wants to follow? i won't allow you to. but i dun mind some extra security guards. crap. well... i'll start to crap whenever i feel high or happy. my morale can't be better than now. jealous? hahaz. nothing else to type liaoz. maybe coming back later at night to blog again. bye for now.

2004-12-07T10:36:00.000+08:00

Trusting me
Is my wish
Accepting me
Is my dream
Believing me
Is my request
Loving you
Is my everything
In life

-[the BIG BLUE SEA diver]-

2004-12-05T23:44:00.000+08:00

When the passion for evangelism is gradually fading, fading, fading, fading away...

I can still remember the first few months after I received Christ. It was a really exciting and active period of my life. I participated in almost all the activities and events organised by the church. The days when we went for outreach, my heart was filled with burning passion and I would preach the Word with all my heart and all my soul. I felt God being close to me, really close, at that time. But things went different after that.

The passion for evangelism is gradually fading away. The previous time I reached out to a lost soul was about a year ago. Would that be pleasing to God? Well, God talked to me through yesterday's service. I asked Him to revive the tiny flame that is dying in me into a large fire that would consume everything.

TO BE CONTINUED...

2004-12-04T20:39:00.000+08:00

Hey people!

I AM BACK IN SINGAPORE...

Well, so much things has happened but they are just too much to be blogged. Maybe I will talk about them another day.

2004-11-26T16:54:00.000+08:00

I have so much to say yet so little to type. Just came back from the chalet about four hours ago and had an hour of sleep. Did quite a bit at the chalet - the common things that people do. The second day was packed with "more" activities - perhaps. We rented a bike for $16 each and cycled till 4am. Didn't manage to sleep much then. Did some clean-up and left for whitesands for breakfast. Well, actually many things has happened but I do not have the strength and desire to carry on.

Though I just reached home, I might be leaving either this evening or tomorrow morning to Malaysia. Mum said that Dad is sick and she wants to go there for a week. Why must everything happen together? Can't there be an interval for every event to take place? Life is getting harder and harder to live and I know not what might happen the next minute. It's simply full of uncertainties.

Why is everyone so STUBBORN???

Can't you guys just be MORE PATIENT???????

I HATE STUBBORN PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i have yet lose interest.

2004-11-22T00:10:00.000+08:00

Was that a message send by You?
Was that the answer to my prayers?
Lord just show me Your way
Tell me the purpose
Reveal me Your plan
And make known to me Thy will

For I've decided to follow You
Whatever You say
Whichever You command
Wherever You direct
I will abide

Every decision or action of mine
Make them be pleasing in Your sight
Whatever I do
May they be what You desire

Help me to realise
The perfect love
The unconditional love
Of You flowing out through me
Which are already sufficient for my whole lifetime

Let my impatience and impulsiveness not be against You
Grant me the wisdom for every action
For You are my Father
I am Your son
I will glorify You
In all that I do

Surely I do.

- Your son, Humphrey

2004-11-21T13:05:00.000+08:00

I will always be swimming near the coast of the island.

-[the big blue sea diver]-

2004-11-19T21:24:00.000+08:00

For my Island

-[the big blue sea diver]-

2004-11-19T17:02:00.000+08:00

Hey guys, as stated in my calendar, I would be out of town during this December for almost the whole month. Thus, I would not be checking my email often and they would most likely be over quota when I return. Thus, if you guys like to send me any email, please send them to the following addresses:

phrey_domic@yahoo.com.sg (for chain/fun/crappy e-mails)
humphrey.tan@gmail.com (for important/pressing e-mails)

Thank You.

2004-11-18T19:05:00.000+08:00

I have found my island. Waiting for the island to let me in. Should I feel happy or should I feel sad? I only have one more paper to go and that marks the end of the o level as well as the conclusion of my secondary school life. Friends, are we going to meet each other again? School, leaving my second home. Thinking upon parting with friends and leaving the place where I progress from a childish little kid to a more matured teen. Teachers, the ones who taught me happiness and share friendship with me. The ones who were there to spur us on towards excellence. Is goodbye a conclusion for us?

Maybe I am thinking too much.
-[the big blue sea diver]-

2004-11-18T19:04:00.000+08:00

You're a Narrative writer!

-[ the big blue sea diver]-

2004-11-17T19:51:00.000+08:00

Been thinking about something. I don't think that would leave my mind so soon. Well, there is nothing I can do but to compromise with it and make it my way of life. In order to prevent myself from thinking much, I went to the library and got myself a book. The title is "To Have & To Hold". It contains bibles stories of love, loss and restoration. Hope that this book would really replace the worries and wounds that are within me. I finished 24 pages today. The beginning was about the creation of mankind. It tells about the feeling of Adam and Eve and as if it is written by the two of them. It also tells about the serpent and the fall of mankind. Well, I ended at the part when Adam and Eve were asked to leave the Garden of Eden (Delight). Well, I would expect more exciting stuffs on the way.

Talking about the O Level, so far so good/bad. I dare not think about what I've done in the past. Two more papers to go. A Maths papers 2 tomorrow and Sci Paper 1 next monday. Hope that it really passes in no time as I really want to regain freedom. On the 22 Nov, I am going to make a great and important decision. It would either boost up my morale or have me fall deep into a dark pit and never to be up again. I have confident in myself and no matter what the outcome might be, I am already prepared. For since the first day I thought about making this decision, I have already thought of the possible outcome.

I have about ten minutes left before I get back to my studies. Guess I got to go, see ya around.

2004-11-15T20:45:00.000+08:00

What the hell is happening in me? I am doing and saying things that are not practical and logical at all. All of them could lead to a deadly ending. What should I do now? How I wish that there is something which I can use to turn back the time, then I wouldn't be so foolish anymore. Where is the real and genuine chin ho? Can someone out there get him back into this flesh? He has wandered to nowhere and I simply can't find him and I can't see him. The next paper is in two days' time and I am not even prepared for anything. O God, save me...!

Had nasi lemak for breakfast, instant noodles for lunch and nasi lemak for dinner again, just that both of them are from different stalls. Maybe I should call today the NASI LEMAK DAY. Well, guess that I am starting to have a slight cough and hope that it will go in no time. I hate cough, especially the one I had in the beginning of the year. I just coughed non-stop and I could really feel the shortness of breath. My study-table is really messy now. Piles of books are on top and it doesn't look like a study-table anymore. Guess I should start packing it later for the preparation of the battle tomorrow.

Btw, I wish to say sorry to someone for doubting her. "I am sorry for that. I admit I was too impulsive then. I promise not to doubt your integrity again. I trust you."

I had a reflection about my Christian life just now. The below is the Disciple's Wheel

The illustration above tells the components of an obedient Christian. It is a wheel, with Christ in the centre of the wheel, controlling it. The vertical spokes are Prayer and Word, which illustrate the relationship with God through prayers and having a consistent Quiet Time with Him. The horizontal spokes are Witnessing and Fellowship. They are the relationship with the people here on this earth. Witnessing is the sharing of His Love and bringing the lost ones to Christ. Fellowship is spending time with fellow Christians sharing and building up each others' lives. So, what have I been doing?

I have not been consistent with my Quiet Time and there goes the Word. The passion and will for evangelism has died and there goes the Witnessing part. Fellowship? I failed to initiate or meet up with fellow brothers and sisters to share my problems with or to share their problems. Lastly, Prayer. Well, I did pray, but only when I need help. I failed give Him prayers of thanksgiving. All the four spokes are so weak and the wheel is bound to be damaged. And this shows how bad I am in leading this life. A life without God. A life full of myself. A life of earthly desires. A life of rubbish.

Although I go to church not for the sake of going, but I guess sometimes my motives and purpose of going is undesirable too. I simply go to church to spend my day out instead of locking myself up at home. Is that what God desire? NO! God wants my unreserved obedience, my undivided worship and my unlimited trust in Him. I failed to fulfil any of them. Instead of glorifying Him to the fullest, I hurt Him and disappointed Him to the fullest. What an unworthy son am I. Christian life is hard, and should I just end it? No, I will never do that.

I received an email attachment and a part reads, "If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world." Well, what can I say now? I am indeed so privileged yet I don't even know that. How pathetic am I?

And now, by His Grace, I see the light again. He is never too late to pull me up from this pile of dirt. He saves and He provides.

2004-11-14T13:09:00.000+08:00

Answer

Here I come
Before Your presence
Here I kneel
In Your awesome radiance

Holding onto a request
That You've already known
I brought it before You
Grant it, oh my Lord

Is she the one for me?
Is this your plan for me?
Is this in accordance to You?
Show me Your way, Lord.

Teach me to differentiate
The wrongs and the rights
Reveal me Your perfect plan
That I may understand

Should I continue waiting?
Or should I say goodbye?
O grant me Thy wisdom
To make a pleasing choice

To me she is the one
But is that what You desire?
Maybe I should continue waiting
For an answer from You

- Humphrey Tan

2004-11-14T10:34:00.000+08:00

All Day

I don't care what they say about me
It's alright, alright
I don't care what they think about me
It's alright, they'll get it one day

I love You, I'll follow You
You are my, my life
I will read my bible and pray
I will follow You all day

I don't care what it costs anymore
'Cause You gave it all and I'm following You
I don't care what it takes anymore
No matter what happens I'm going Your way

I love You, I'll follow You
You are my, my life
I will read my bible and pray
I will follow You all day

All day, All day now, All day

Anyone around can see
Just how good You've been to me
For all my friends who don't know You
I pray that You would save them too

2004-11-13T09:37:00.000+08:00

He can turn the tides and calm the angry sea;
He alone decides who writes the symphony;
He lights every star that makes our darkness bright;
He keeps watch all through each long and lonely night;
He still finds the time to hear a child's first prayer;
Saint and sinner call can always find Him there.
Though it makes Him sad to see the way we live,
He'll always say, "I forgive".

He can grant a wish and make a dream come true;
He can paint the clouds and turn the gray to blue;
He alone knows where to find the rainbow's end;
He alone can see what lie beyond the bend;
He can touch a tree and turn the leaves to gold;
He knows every lie that you and I have told.
Though it makes Him sad to see the way we live,
He'll always say, "I forgive".

2004-11-12T14:13:00.000+08:00

Dear Amie,

Thanks for all those things that you've told me just now. You are indeed like a key to me which opens the doors for me to get a wider view to problems. And so as to solve them. You've indeed waken me up with the reality. You've allowed me to reflect that I've not been telling HIM everything the way I should. Yes, I have now committed everything to HIM and I believe that He will definitely give me an answer soon. Meanwhile, I will set my priorities right and do whatever I should and will no longer allow myself to fall into traps or doing things at the wrong time. My decisions, my future, my thoughts. I will leave them to God. Just like a quote that says, "Pray and let God do the worry."

2004-11-12T09:29:00.000+08:00

It's only 10 days left before I make an important decision of my life. But are you willing to give me a chance? Frankly speaking, I do not really need the 10 days as I can now firmly say that I do like you. But since I asked for a month, I have to keep to it. You said that you've let go of him and holding back will cause more pain. I am glad to see that you've moved on. At least you are no longer enslaved by that issue. But how about here? Will you or will you not give me a chance to walk through your coming future with you? I am willing, but are you? You never a substitute, choosing and wanting you is not another act of impatience and loving you is nothing but everything from my heart. I loved you, I love you and I will love you. But, will you let it happen? I'll pray and hope so.

2004-11-11T19:27:00.000+08:00

Well, bought an umbro jacket from why pay more at suntec just now. Went peninsula with eugene and his brother to hunt for one but couldn't find any there. Then went Funan's Royal Sporting House and Sports Link to find, but with no avail. Jonathan joined us after that and went Suntec via the CitiLink. I went to MPH and tried my best to search for the notebook. But they only have the small and medium ones. I promise I'll get it for you someday. Went Adidas and saw a jacket which costs S$69.00. Wanted to buy but it seemed a little unworthy. Thus, decided to go why pay more and got a thirty dollars one there. hahaz. Well, wasted one day. Btw, I got a catalogue for the Creative sales next week. I am going to get a mp3 player then. hahaz.. hope mummy would be graceful enough to sponsor one - she's always graceful lahz...

2004-11-10T22:41:00.000+08:00

My life is rated PG.
What is your life rated?

2004-11-10T21:54:00.000+08:00

Kneel in prayer
Consecrated heart
Soul of faith
Anxieties casted
Upon the One

Sovereign is You
O King of Glory
Master of all
Lift my soul
Anoint my Spirit

A new life
Fresh creation
Mercy flowing through
Grace abundantly
A sheep saved

Exalt the King
Exhort the Lord
Up High

Amen.

- Humphrey Tan

2004-11-10T21:42:00.000+08:00

How I Love You
Planet Shakers

Here i stand
Before you my heart is still
Wanting just to be with you
Waiting here
Long for your voice to speak
Touch me now
Its your face i seek

How my soul longs for you
To be with you
Adore you
Nothing more i want to do
Than to sing to you

Jesus im in love with you
Speak to me
Whisper you words of truth
Take my heart
Won't you make me new
Jesus, how i love you
How i love you

On my knees
Before you i lay my life
Giving all
A living sacrifice
Take my life
And all that i long to be
Set apart
Only for you my king

How my soul longs for you
To be with you
Adore you
Nothing more i want to do
Than to sing to you

Jesus im in love with you
Speak to me
Whisper your words of truth
Take my heart
Won't you make me new
Jesus, how i love you
How i love you

How my soul longs for you
How my soul longs for you
How my soul longs for you
How my soul longs for you

2004-11-09T12:20:00.000+08:00

Circle of Friends / Friends Medley

We were made to love and be loved

But the price this world demands

Will cost you far too much

I spent so many lonely years just trying to fit in

Now I've found a place in this circle of friends

In a circle of friends, we have one Father

In a circle of friends, we share this prayer

That every orphaned soul will know

And all will enter in

To the shelter of this circle of friends

And friends are friends forever

If the Lord is the Lord of them

And a friend will not say never

'Cause the welcome will not end

Though it's hard to let you go

In the Father's hands we know

That a lifetime's not too long

To live as friends

2004-11-07T19:39:00.000+08:00

The Lord is faithful

Praise Him the Lord. The Lord will guide you as long as you need help. Through this crucial stage of my life, when I nearly suffer another breakdown, when I nearly give up along the journey, the Lord provided. Through many ways, He has indeed revealed Himself and His faithfulness to me. He walked with me, He talked with me, along the most narrow path of the journey. Through the exams, He has granted me a calm heart and a peaceful mind. As for those personal issues, though His presence is not so obvious, but I can sense that He is consistently giving me the strength to move on, to face the next tomorrow. And also, I know that it is His plan and His work that I no longer have to worry about the expenses of the trip to Melbourne. He has provided a way and has also provided people to support me, be it financially or others. Thank You so much, Lord. Just when I thought that it has faded, it grew stronger and stronger. I still love you.

2004-11-06T08:50:00.000+08:00

Just woke up less than an hour ago. Looks like I am starting to sense the urgency to study, lol - isn't it too late? I had a dream about you. It was not a good one - for me. I guessed I cried in the dream.

2004-11-04T12:09:00.000+08:00

It's about you, all about you again. I can't get my thoughts off you. E maths paper one this morning. I think it's ok lahz. Too moody to blog.

2004-11-03T20:09:00.000+08:00

I have been thinking through this. I have also tried my best to let my affections for you to fade. However, it grow stronger instead. I can't deny that I couldn't forget her, but I know it is impossible to deny that I do like you. She has become a memory, which will only be in my heart. But why can't you just understand? A day without seeing you, emptiness would inevitably fill my mind. You became the restorer of my soul and spirit. I am really serious about having you as my love. But, will we be together? I will be waiting.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

deeply.

2004-11-03T19:00:00.000+08:00

It's all about You, Jesus.

And all this is for You;
For Your glory and Your fame.
It's not about me,
As if you should do things my way.
You alone are God,
and I surrender to your ways.

Jesus, lover of my soul;
All consuming fire is in Your gaze.
Jesus, I want You to know;
I will follow You all my days.
For no one else in history is like You,
And history itself belongs to You.

Alpha and Omega,
You have loved me,
And I will share eternity with You.

2004-11-02T22:12:00.000+08:00

Let us be still while God shows us that He is still God
(To those taking exams, cast all your anxieties upon Him and miracles would be upon you)

2004-11-01T13:02:00.000+08:00

Satan promises the best, but pays with the worst; he promises honor, and pays with disgrace; he promises pleasure, and pays with pain; he promises profit, and pays with loss, he promises life, and pays with death. But God pays as he promises; all his payments are made in pure gold.

2004-10-31T10:37:00.000+08:00

2004-10-31T10:16:00.000+08:00

I couldn't sleep throughout the night. I woke up several times in the middle of the night. 2:05am, 3:17am, 4:50am, 5:27am & 6:24am. I was holding on to my handphone throughout the night, waiting for the vibration caused by your messages. But it didn't happen. You will be taking your chinese papers tomorrow, good luck and I will pray for you. Love is the most incomprehensible thing on this earth. When you finally understood, it may be too late as you may not get her.

2004-10-30T21:11:00.000+08:00

Wonder if you would ever know and believe the reality that I've fallen for you. For the past weeks, I've been asking myself what am I really doing and what's the purpose of everything. I've thought through and I've came out with my own conclusion not long ago. I confessed to you but I took it back again. I thought everything is done and completed and I am no longer engaged in anything such matters. I was wrong. I do really like you, believe it or not. I know what I am doing. No, I am not playing around with such matters. I just stumbled for a while and I know that it's you - finally. But how can I express out to you again? Will you believe? Will there be a chance for me? I dare not think. MAybe I just need a few days to think through to decide whether to tell you or not. Maybe I would just leave it unrevealed-.

The Lord talked to me again. Through my Quiet Time today, I learnt about decision making - where to get the answer from Him. It was really encouraging and morale boosting when you are experiencing God. Not feeling well emotionally at the moment. So I think I will continue another time.

2004-10-29T20:42:00.000+08:00

"My Lord, my Lord, listen to me. Put your hand in my heart and take away my sorrow. You promised not to let me fall, and you said you will protect and bless me wherever I go and whatever I do. Where are you when I am hurt? Hear my cry, dear. Stop me tears, Lord. Tell me that you will provide. Tell me that you are here. Dear Lord, I know that you will always be with me, always. And I pray, that you would continue to provide me the strength to carry on and make this yet another trial for me to test me faith in you. For I know, you have a plan for each and everyone of us. Bless us, guide us, protect us - my family."

On my way home on the bus, I received a call that my dad's only helper of the restaurant has resigned. I do not know the reason why and I did not know what to do. I immediately closed my eyes and talked to Him. And after every sentences, I could feel God's answers. He was so close to me just now and I am sure that was Him, prompting my heart, telling me what to do next. I've always wanting my dad to join us in Singapore. I've been living with my mum and brother all this while. How I wish that I can be like the others, enjoying every weekend. The reason he needs to be in malaysia is because he has to take care of my grandparents. I've been feeling unfair for him. He is not the only son. My grandparents have 6 sons and a daughter and 3 of them are staying in Singapore while the rest dispersed to all parts of Malaysia. Why should my dad be the only one staying down there to take care of my grandparents? How about others? I decided to give him a call just now.

I asked him to hire a temporary staff and join us as soon as possible. I told him alot of things and I even mentioned that it's not his full obligation to look after my grandparents. I did ask him to bring them to Singapore as well. But all he said was "Can I?". Why can't? He can always ask his siblings to stay there or make some arrangements. He's been staying there for nearly twenty years. He has a family and why should he stay there? Few of my uncles are not married yet. why can't they look after my grandparents instead? I know that I shouldn't be selfish. But, don't they feel that they are too much? I had never talk to him like this before and he must be wondering how come I suddenly talk to him in this way. This was indeed the first time I said something in a more matured way. I didn't talk to him much. But I just couldn't hold on anymore. I've got more to say and I am sure that they will definitely get shocked if I let everything out. I may seem to be a young kid who doesn't express his feelings. But, the reality is always surprising. I had a hard time controlling my tears just now and I am sure dad sort of teared too. Frankly speaking, my eyes are still red at the moment. Why is God so unfair?

I know that he has been suffering through the years and he really has to work extra hard to ensure the survival of the three of us here. Every dollar we spent, he has to make two ringgits. He is a human too. I am sure he would like to join us, but he just couldn't leave my grandparents alone there. I am going to make another promise today. I am going to work hard on my studies and let him enjoy life earlier. I was even more touched and "hurt" by the last sentence before we ended the call. "You don't have to worry so much, just be good and I'll be happy." I can't continue anymore...

i love you, dad.

2004-10-28T18:08:00.000+08:00

It's BIO practical exam this afternoon. I think I can pass but will not score high. It was quite challenging for me as there are so many possible answers and I hard a hard time making any firm decisions. Life is full of decisions. The first thing that I thought of when I woke up this morning was none other than you. I can't stop myself from thinking or brooding over you. I know that it's impossible for me but I still do. When would this stop? Well, had nothing much to blog today... maybe tomorrow bahz...

2004-10-27T21:56:00.000+08:00

Everything in my life seems to be contradicting each other. My life is just like an expired carton of milk. The packaging looks just fine and convincing but the milk has expired. I feel that I've yet learnt to control or handle my life the correct way. Sometimes when I look back, I really felt like laughing and felt like giving myself a punch in my face. At times when I make decisions, I would feel that it's right. But events after events, I realised that I've made the wrong decision. I am feeling so lost and so helpless. I said I like you, I said I was desperate and I said I like you no more and now I want to say I like you. What am I talking about? Well, can someone kill me? Maybe I just take things to lightly and did not think of the possible consequences before making any decision. I am feeling so regretful.. AHHHH!!!!

2004-10-27T21:10:00.000+08:00

I find myself falling

Into you again

I know that it's impossible

For the word 'together'

But I do not understand why

And how did all these happen

I just couldn't control my feeling

No. I am not a flirt

I am not easily shakened

But you just made me fall deeper

Deeper into you

Deeper for you

Deeper

-Humphrey

2004-10-26T14:49:00.000+08:00

Just found out that I've not been doing anything constructive all the while. The GCE 'O' Level will arrive in 7 days' time. My first paper falls on the second of november, next tuesday. And I realised that I've not even started a proper revision on any of the subjects. I feel that I am still enjoying life and slacking all day long.

What has happen to me?

Where has my desire gone?

What about my dream?

I've also found out that I've became an internet-addict and I can't live without coming online (all day long). Is there any cure for this disease? Maybe I really need some computer viruses which will infect my computer temporarily till the examinations are over.

Sometimes I do feel like studying, but the more I think about it, the less desire I have to do it. I think I've allowed the devil to take control of me liaoz. And now, I should go back to God and ask for His guidance and grace to be upon me as I rush through everything.

"Dear Lord, I pray that I will have the discipline to study diligently for the coming O Level. I pray that Lord, I will be able to cut off all that distract me so that I can concentrate on my revision. Let me not give in to temptations that I face. But lead me to deny them to revise for Your glory. In Jesus' name, AMEN!"

People out there, please pray for me too k? I really need discipline and concentration now. This concerns my future, my dreams, my hopes. Maybe it's time for me to really carry out my plans which is to reduce my frequency online, which I've mentioned before. I should persevere on and bring the glory to God.

2004-10-25T20:33:00.000+08:00

maybe

(the word that has lots of meaning)

2004-10-24T22:06:00.000+08:00

Could I Ever
by Planet Shakers

When I woke up today
And thought of all the things You'd done
I find myself here
Feeling oh so overcome

You gave Your life away for me
Truly my heart belongs to You
So let me say

How could I ever thank You for
What You did at Calvary
When You bled and died for me
How could I ever turn away
Knowing that You paid the price
That I could never pay

When I think of the way
That You died upon that Cross
Bearing my sin
Even when my heart was lost

You gave Your life away for me
Truly my heart belongs to You
So let me say

2004-10-24T16:46:00.002+08:00

Personality cocktail From Go-Quiz.com

2004-10-24T14:21:00.000+08:00

God's people have made a decision about Jesus but have never made a commitment to Him.

There are so many Christians all over the world. All of them made a decision by saying, "Yes, I do believe in Christ and I want to accept Him." However, they did not proceed on to make a commitment to Christ which is about making a deliberate choice to follow Him, to deny ownself, take up our own cross and follow Him as well as completing the race and to keep the faith burning in the end. It is often hard to deny ourselves, our lives, our lifestyles. In another word, it's about leaving our comfort zone and doing something that we won't enjoy. Making a commitment is also about making decisions which will have a major change and impact on our lives such as forsaking something that we consider essential and important in our lives. Who, therefore, is willing to give up on so many things?

So what's the problem? Firstly, there is a misplaced love. Instead of being lovers of God, we become the lovers of themselves, money but not lovers of the good but lovers of pleasure. Do you know that God is displeased? In Revelation 2:4, it says "Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love." Secondly, it's the deformed faith of us. The earthly things that we do tends to hinder us from discovering our faith and caused our faith to be deformed. Thirdly, it's about rejecting the truth. Though we always listen to the truth but we never able to acknowledge it. We only listen to what pleases us but not everything regardless of anything. That's called rejecting the truth.

Someone said, "If you love a soul more than you love your own life and if you live to bring that soul to Christ, then I can promise you there will be pain, but I can also promise you that you will experience the highest joy." A life of total commitment to Jesus is definitely not a smooth one. You will suffer and you will have to be prepared to endure the pain. But I tell you, you are suffering for the sake of eternity. When the day arrives, you will inherit the priceless inheritance of God.

2004-10-24T10:49:00.000+08:00

The surest hindrance of success is to have too high a standard
of refinement in our own minds, or too high an opinion of the
judgement of the public. He who is determined not to be
satisfied with anything short of perfection will never do
anything to please himself or others.

2004-10-21T21:31:00.000+08:00

The days are near and yet I still can't sense the urgency to study.

It's just 12 more days to the first O Level Paper. However I still can't sense the urgency and I am still slacking and have zero desire to study. Something seems to be occupying my mind which makes me unable to concentrate on anything that I do. It seems to keep me distracted all day long. Though I've already shared to the person or persons, I can only feel slightly better. What's exactly happening in me? I do not have an answer to that. Maybe I should start to modify my way of life and live it using a different method. I just hope that this would take away any trouble that is present in me - or at least block it.

Maybe it is really time for me to start my revision and set all my priorities right. I have been living a life with priorities set wrongly. I've came out with a revision time table, cater to the needs of my weakness. Maybe it is time for me to really cut down or cut off my frequency online for the time being. It is only 12 days left and I have 6 subjects to cope with (because no more chinese). On average, I'd only have 2 days for a subject. How am I going to take the exams unprepared. However, if I were to continue grumbling and complaining, it would definitely become one subject per day. That would be a true disaster. Therefore, I must make full use of the following 12 days to do whatever I could and absorb as much as I can.

I think that I've used too much of "Maybe". Thus, you can manually remove all the "Maybes" that I've used. And did you realise that I did not use the word "Well" in this entry? Hmm.. someone asked me how come I keep using it. Thus, as I said, I should change my way of life. Went for a hair cut just now and that should be the first step for the change.

Other than preparing for and taking the exams, I'd take this one whole month to really reflect on my life as I am going to make a major decision after the O level. And I shall not elaborate. If it is meant for you to know, you'll know it somehow. If not, too bad for you. (This is a method to keep an idiot in suspense for a whole month). I think that I should end before I really crap till the extreme. So see you, all my friends here. If you want to meet me online, maybe you could try Saturday nights and Sunday mornings. For those "smsers", my handphone would be set as silent mode from now on, except on Sunday. Hmm.. as if anyone would care.

Well, before I really end this entry, I have a verse to share with you guys, especially those taking the exams. "For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen." - Romans 11:36. As you prepare or even as you enter the exam hall, remember that everything comes from the Father, and everything can be done through Him. Similarly, whatever results or outcomes there would be, they would glorify God. Just do all your best and the Lord would take care of the rest! AMEN!

Ok, that's all... Good Luck to all those warriors preparing for the battle in 12 days' time. (including me, of course)

2004-10-20T15:09:00.000+08:00

Problems ! Problems ! And more Problems ! They are the way of life.

God has made us in in His and our own unique ways. Without any biasness. This means that each of us has different abilities and strengths. Therefore, there should be no point comparing yourself with what others possess, which will result in jealousy, rivarly, or even the loss of faith in oneself. The devil can never change or give us what we have or want to have. However, they would try ways to put thoughts into your mind, causing you to feel lousy and poor compared to others, and you will eventually lose faith in the Lord, who created you since the beginning.

Everyone has his or her own dreams to pursue. Be it being a lawyer or a teacher. On your journey towards these things, you may sometimes complain that you are not good enough, not strong enough in your academic fields (for students) to be what you want to be. However, is that really? I doubt so. A strong foundation in the academic field doesn't make a good teacher or a good lawyer. The most important parts are the passion, the burning passion in them. Well, if you say that you are not as capable as others, as they may have the strengths that you don't, well, ask yourself. You do have your unique abilities and strengths. Look deep and it will be found. And I believe that you will succeed.

Similarly, life is a journey which no one can predict the destination or the length. There are times when we will fall - really deep. However, how do we cope with the injuries? Do we continue to stay there to wait for others to come by and give you a hand? That's simply not practical. We would often lose faith in ourselves and give up along the way. Someone once told me, "If you yourself do not help yourself, how would others bother to help you?" It is indeed so. People around you have their own problems and troubles, why would they bother to help someone who does not even bother to help himself? It's not logical to do so. Even if they pull you up, you'll fall back and no work is done. So what do you say in reply of this? Should you continue to wait for help or do you want to make a stand by yourself?

Joshua 1:9 reminds us "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Do you not know that the Lord your God is always walking with you? So why should you be afraid to stand up again? The phrase "Be strong and courageous" appears in the bible 11 times. So what do you say again, in reply to this?

Search your hearts, my brothers and sisters. Life is not at it's end yet. The Lord has His plan for you, each and everyone of us. Trials are planned perfectly by God to train us and not to provoke us. He will never place us in situations where we cannot handle. The Lord never fail us, since the beginning of mankind. Put your trust in Him and follow Him whole-heartedly now. I believe and I pray, that He will make your path straight.

2004-10-20T10:15:00.000+08:00

I shall cut down my frequency online. I shall study.

Remind me to study if you happen to see me online. Thanks!

2004-10-19T10:38:00.000+08:00

- Humphrey Tan

2004-10-18T17:33:00.000+08:00

Galatians 3:3-4
Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort? Have you suffered so much for nothing--if it really was for nothing?

2004-10-17T20:38:00.000+08:00

Lord I Give You My Heart

This is my desire
To honor You
Lord with all my heart
I worship You
All I have within me
I give You praise
All that I adore is in You

Lord, I give You my heart
I give You my soul
I live for You alone
Every Breath I take
Every moment I'm awake
Lord, have Your way in me

I'll make this my prayer to Him today, tomorrow and forever.

2004-10-17T08:39:00.000+08:00

To someone.

I am truly sorry about what I've done.
I was out of my mind.
I shouldn't have said those things.
Maybe I wasn't prepared or whatsoever.

I am willing to let go of the past.
The painful past.
Though it holds a meaningful part of my life.
I do not know what to say.
But do remember my last message yesterday.

I am sorry.

But I still mean what I've said.

2004-10-16T20:45:00.000+08:00

I chose to be a Christian and I chose to be His disciple, as well.

The topic for today's service was about suffering from slacking. Well, the speaker started with the reasons of Christians on why they are Christians. Sounds complex eh? He mentioned about the second generation Christians who become Christians because their parents are Christians. However, should this be what God desires? No. God gives everyone a choice. He doesn't force anyone to believe in Him or accept Him. However, He allows us to choose instead. Thus, if you claim that you are a Christian, the reason should be simple. You chose to believe in Him and it is you who chose to be a Christian. Not one was there to force you.

He continued with a question. "How may of you are Christians?" Everyone raised their hands of course. However, he continued with another question. "How many of you are disciples?" Only a few raised their hands. What does it mean? Isn't Christian similar to His disciple? No.

Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own life--he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. - Luke 14:25-27

So what if you are a Christian? Everyone can be one. But, not everyone can be a disciple of Christ. There is a price to pay. The Lord says that if anyone does not hate his parents, or siblings or his own life, he cannot be His disciple. Well, you may be shocked when you see this. However, the true meaning is that God wants you to put Him as your first priority and not anyone else inculding yourself. He requires and desires the best of the best of you. Then second part talks about carrying the cross and follow Him. Well, it means that to deny everything you have or possess and following Him whole-heartedly. Only then, can you be His disciple.

Being His disciple is never easy. Your friends around you will feel that you are weird and they will despise you. You can no longer engage with the things of your earthly desires. You may not be able to do what your other friends do. Your life has been committed to God and He controls everything. You will face denial, rejection or even persecution. You face suffering of all kinds - mentally, physically or emotionally. Are you prepared? Those who are willing were asked to go to the front to proclaim. I did. We kneeled down and the leader went around praying for each and every one of us, individually. I felt something working in me. I was able to focus on Him and really reflect and keeping myself prepared. And AMEN! I've surrendered my life once again. To the Lord, who is so great, so mighty, so strong and so lovely.

2004-10-16T09:10:00.000+08:00

2004-10-14T18:21:00.000+08:00

Thanks everyone who've been there for me all the while. Thanks angela, daphne, shirlyn & perhaps jun liang. Thanks for all the encouragements and support. I am feeling better now. Well, you guys indeed made me realise that there are many caring friends around me. I thank God for your existence. Well, I shall thank you guys individually to express my sincerity.

Angela: Thanks for all the words of encouragement and for keeping me occupied by the conversation. Furthermore, thanks for teaching me to escape from problems (though not very practical). Well, I know that you are currently struggling with your preparation as you've spent alot of time on your art piece. Well, always look to Him and He will show you the direction, alright? Don't get too worried about your o level results. No matter what results you would receive, I am very sure that God would be glorified. Because He knows that you've put in the required efforts. Will pray for you...

Daphne: Thanks for adding problem to my problem. (You know what I mean yar?) Just joking. Well, do not get troubled or guilt-ridden by what you've said or done. I will not get angry with you. Well, thanks for promising that you'd be there for me (tho' it has not be proven). I appreciate this friendship. Well, for your problem, just hold on there, and I am sure that everything would be alright. Don't rush! Flush!..Eh... I mean don't be impatient. Just wait and that day will come and you'll be able to explain everything then. Other than this, thanks for the new method of pouring out sorrows (unrevealed-)... hahaz.. well.. that's all.

Shirlyn: Thanks for all those crappy stuff yesterday night. I hope you do mean what you've said. Hahaz... Well, thanks for keeping me occupied with your craps yesterday. I appreciate them. Though you may be siao siao some time (in fact most of the time), you cheer up lives. Well, remember my present ah!!!

Jun Liang: I appreciate your maturity and understanding. You are so patient and soft-tempered. Thanks for withstanding my attitude problem yesterday. Well, having a friend like you is something that I will never regret. Well, though you may seem childish, but you have your matured and "adult-liked" side. Always stay like this.

2004-10-13T20:35:00.000+08:00

Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

- Isaiah 40:28-31

2004-10-13T16:33:00.000+08:00

Maybe it's better to leave everything to God and abide with His ultimate plan.

I made an important decision yesterday. Though there was unwillingness and extreme reluctance, I had to make that decision anyway. Maybe everything is just the plan by Him. I trust in His plan and I know that His plan for me will serve as nothing but to give me a hope and a future. I remember 1 Cor 10:31 which says, So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Maybe I can say that my actions were not glorifying at all. I did prayed about it but I did not get any reply from Him. Or maybe it's a WAIT! Well, I felt that I've been going against Him all this while. I really want to obey Him and live according to His will. I want to honor Him in all I do. Well, just hope that this decision would turn everything right.

That's all I can say.

2004-10-11T21:52:00.000+08:00

A day without seeing you is just like a plant which failed to receive water...

2004-10-10T18:45:00.000+08:00

Meeting and Parting is the way of life. Parting and Meeting is the hope of life.

During the matrix season, I remembered there was a quotation, "Everything that has a beginning has an end." It may sound vague. However, however vague it is, it's still the inevitable truth. In life, I am like a tree, one that stands in the middle of a plain. Occassionally, birds may nest on me and they eventually became my friends. However, they are not expected to permanently stay with me. After one generation, they would leave and continue with their life's journey. Should there be any occassion that we would meet again? Only God knows.

Time flies. It really does. It seems like just yesterday when I reported for the Secondary One posting registration. However, four years have passed. I've spent a total of four years in GM yet it seems like 4 days. I am currently running the last lap of this chapter of my life and GM would then only stay as a memory. I began to realise that I've taken everything for granted. I did not prepare to leave, nor imagine the feeling upon leaving GM - my second home. Upon reflection, I realised that GM has been serving as a place for my character development. Just like the motto that says: "To grow in friendship, body & mind". I've made many friends here, and I believe that this friendship would never be forgotten. Other than the friendship with my schoolmates, I met Christ, the Lord, in the same building. And this intimate friendship would definitely last for eternity. It was Him, who was there, protecting me & guiding me thus far. I believe that He would continue to be faithful, now, tomorrow and forever. GM is more than just a school. It is a home. A home filled with joy, laughter, warmth and love. Everyone plays an important role. Be it in leadership or just a follower, everyone truly enjoyed themselves. Well, I do. The teachers here are really caring and willing to sacrifice or walk an extra mile for our sake. They never discourage us or despise us on our different abilities. Everyone was given a fair share of opportunity to develop their hidden potential. Without the teachers, I wouldn't be what I am today. Without God, there would be no me. For those who have yet known Him or yet to receive Him, I urge you that you start your exploration now. It's never too late as He would always be there for you. If you take the effort to find Him, He will be found. Promise.

Looking back, GM was not my first choice, nor was it the second or third. It was my fourth choice. I didn't thought of coming to this school. I didn't know Christ then, thus, I had no desire to join this GM family. But thank God, He brought me in. Through these years, I have never regretted upon coming to this school. Through the activities such as camps and courses, I managed to overcome my fears and learnt to be strong in all circumstances. I also found my purpose in life through the school. The bible-study sessions with teachers, the daily devotions, the weekly chapel and the weekly singspiration have really built-up my spiritual life. And now, I can proudly say that I've gotten most of my essential needs for the rest of my life. I've got Christ, who is everything.

To all the teachers of GM, thanks for the happiness you've brought, and the friendships you've taught. I really appreciate your invaluable input and guidance through the past four years of my life. You are like the fire and I am the candle. You've lighted up my life. Thanks also for teaching me to know God and to love God.

To all my fellow friends in GM, thanks for being there. I may not be a good friend or good example for you to follow. But let's get rid of the negative memories and let's not let this friendship fades along the road. May we continue to have each other in our hearts and I pray, that even ten years down the road, when you hear my name, you'll say, "That's my friend."

To God, I love You.

2004-10-09T21:52:00.000+08:00

so complicated yet so clear...

2004-10-08T17:26:00.000+08:00

I can't describe my feeling right now. Maybe I would say, "Angry and Despair".

I really have no mood for anything now. My heart and my soul seem to have been taken away by something or someone. I've not been behaving like Chin Ho for the past few days (since Tuesday), including today. Something just cause me to lose my desire for everything, except that something. Let me start writing what happened to me on Tuesday - the beginning. I slept really early on Tuesday (5th Oct) night. Around eight I think. However, I woke up late the next morning. It was because I was too concentrated in a dream. It was about someone and everything was about that someone. Well, I reached school slightly later than my usual reporting time on Wednesday morning. I felt a slight change in my behaviour and actions. My soul was somehow departed from my flesh and it seemed as if I was pre-occupied by something. Then came recess. Things went relatively smooth and normal - though I didn't talk much. Then, I saw something/someone. "It couldn't be... no..." I told myself. Time passed extremely slow and I really couldn't concentrate during lesson anymore. I felt sick.

The 1.50 bell rang. Finally - but not really. I saw that someone again. I felt like stepping forward to say something - but... I didn't. I knew I had to keep myself occupied before I go bonkers. All I thought of was to get back home as soon as possible - I do not know why. I went to the bus stop and boarded the bus. I alighted at Lorong 1 for a transfer at another bus stop. It was about 50 metres away - but I took so long that it seemed like a kilometre. I wasn't thinking of anything, and I feel the emptiness inside me. I really felt like crying. I waited for my bus. It was only thirty minutes later before I finally boarded a bus. It not because that the bus was late, but it's because I've let few buses, which I should board, to pass by me. It was a short yet long journey home.

Lunch was ready at that time, but I felt full. Thus, I never had my lunch that day. I switched my computer on and started to wait. I waited for a couple of hours, but with no avail. I decided to write something. I knew it would be worse if I continue to wait. Therefore, I decided to escape by forcing myself to sleep - I succeeded.

It was Thursday. Well, God didn't grant me what I've hoped for. I waited and waited in the hall, but I didn't see. And the rest of the day was like Wednesday (except I didn't miss the bus again). Well, people around me started to find me weird, or maybe it's because I told them that I am not myself.

3 days passed. And it's Friday. God did granted me what I've hoped, but He took it back. Someone told me, "Ni si xin ba" which means you better let your desire dies. What does he mean? He didn't want to tell me. I hate such people, who wants to tell something but like to make people worry. I simply hate it.

For the next couple of days, I guess I would still behave in such ways, unless something happened. Thus, don't get surprised.

If you are wondering what am I talking about. I guess only the someone will know.

2004-10-04T19:12:00.000+08:00

- Humphrey Tan

2004-10-04T18:09:00.000+08:00

Yes! Truly indeed! Sometimes our lives are just not in our own hands.

As scheduled, this morning was the motivational talk by Adam Khoo Learning Technologies. Although it was not hosted by Adam Khoo himself, the conductor did a great job. His name is Ramesh I guess. Well, maybe the principal purposely arranged the talk to be today as we would be getting our results right after the talk. It was indeed an interesting session and I've indeed benefited a lot - although I am struggling myself throughout. The part that created a strong impression in me is when he said something about life. Life is about choice and journey. The past doesn't affect the future. The way he elaborated these two theories really had a great impact on me.

As mentioned, results are released today. I would not disclose anything here - but I did not say you can't ask me (personally). Well, I had been worrying about it and it really almost caused me to breakdown. Just 5 minutes before the papers were returned for checking, I still asked, "How am I going to trust God?". I know I shouldn't doubt. But it's human nature to - though you guys may say, it's a choice whether I trust or doubt. Anyway, results were beyond expectation (lower than expected, except for english). However, the naggings that I've expected turned out to be encouragement instead. This is what my mum said, "I am not really disappointed with your results, I am quite pleased. But I know you can do better. So, cut down on your computer to 2 hours daily and study hard okay?" These words are really heart-soothing. She even allows me to use the computer for 2 hours daily.

I do not know how should I praise Him. He is just so amazing. Although I did not get the results I want to, but I know, yes I know, that His grace is still with me and this is just a wake-up call from Him. Once again, He let me experience Him. Words alone just can't express my gratitude.

2004-10-03T20:30:00.000+08:00

Strength

Will I have the strength to face tomorrow?

I just can't get myself to trust You

In my heart, I know You will be there

But I just can't convince myself

Things just contradict with each other

Lord I need a strong assurance

I demand a firm faith

For the tomorrow unknown

Those thoughts keep going through my mind

I really do not know how to cope with them

They roam my whole self

They seem to take control over me

I am going to be broken up

I can stand no more

How should I go on now?

This is not what I've thought

No. Definitely not.

2004-10-03T18:37:00.000+08:00

10 Reasons to Believe in a God who allows suffering

1. Suffering Comes With The Freedom To Choose
Loving parents long to protect their children from unnecessary pain. But wise parents know the danger of over-protection. They know that the freedom to choose is at the heart of what it means to be human, and that a world without choice would be worse than a world without pain. Worse yet would be a world populated by people who could make wrong choices without feeling any pain. No one is more dangerous than the liar, thief, or killer who doesn't feel the harm he is doing to himself and to others (Genesis 2:15-17).

2. Pain Can Warn Us Of Danger
We hate pain, especially in those we love. Yet without discomfort, the sick wouldn't go to a doctor. Worn-out bodies would get no rest. Criminals wouldn't fear the law. Children would laugh at correction. Without pangs of conscience, the daily dissatisfaction of boredom, or the empty longing for significance, people who are made to find satisfaction in an eternal Father would settle for far less. The example of Solomon, lured by pleasure and taught by his pain, shows us that even the wisest among us tend to drift from good and from God until arrested by the resulting pain of their own shortsighted choices (Ecclesiastes 1-12; Psalms 78:34-35; Romans 3:10-18).

3. Suffering Reveals What Is In Our Hearts
Suffering often occurs at the hand of others. But it has a way of revealing what is in our own hearts. Capacities for love, mercy, anger, envy, and pride can lie dormant until awakened by circumstances. Strength and weakness of heart is found not when everything is going our way but when flames of suffering and temptation test the mettle of our character. As gold and silver are refined by fire, and as coal needs time and pressure to become a diamond, the human heart is revealed and developed by enduring the pressure and heat of time and circumstance. Strength of character is shown not when all is well with our world but in the presence of human pain and suffering (Job 42:1-17; Romans 5:3-5; James 1:2-5;1 Peter 1:6-8).

4. Suffering Takes Us To The Edge Of Eternity
If death is the end of everything, then a life filled with suffering isn't fair. But if the end of this life brings us to the threshold of eternity, then the most fortunate people in the universe are those who discover, through suffering, that this life is not all we have to live for. Those who find themselves and their eternal God through suffering have not wasted their pain. They have let their poverty, grief, and hunger drive them to the Lord of eternity. They are the ones who will discover to their own unending joy why Jesus said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 5:1-12;Romans 8:18-19).

5. Pain Loosens Our Grip On This Life
In time, our work and our opinions are sought less and less. Our bodies become increasingly worse for the wear. Gradually they succumb to inevitable obsolescence. Joints stiffen and ache. Eyes grow dim. Digestion slows. Sleep becomes difficult. Problems loom larger and larger while options narrow. Yet, if death is not the end but the threshold of a new day, then the curse of old age is also a blessing. Each new pain makes this world less inviting and the next life more appealing. In its own way, pain paves the way for a graceful departure ( Ecclesiastes 12:1-14).

6. Suffering Gives Opportunity To Trust God
The most famous sufferer of all time was a man named Job. According to the Bible, Job lost his family to "a mighty wind," his wealth to war and fire, and his health to painful boils. Through it all, God never told Job why it was happening. As Job endured the accusations of his friends, heaven remained silent. When God finally did speak, He did not reveal that His archenemy Satan had challenged Job's motives for serving God. Neither did the Lord apologize for allowing Satan to test Job's devotion to God. Instead, God talked about mountain goats giving birth, young lions on the hunt, and ravens in the nest. He cited the behavior of the ostrich, the strength of the ox, and the stride of the horse. He cited the wonders of the heavens, the marvels of the sea, and the cycle of the seasons. Job was left to conclude that if God had the power and wisdom to create this physical universe, there was reason to trust that same God in times of suffering (Job 1-42).

7. God Suffers With Us In Our Suffering
No one has suffered more than our Father in heaven. No one has paid more dearly for the allowance of sin into the world. No one has so continuously grieved over the pain of a race gone bad. No one has suffered like the One who paid for our sin in the crucified body of His own Son. No one has suffered more than the One who, when He stretched out His arms and died, showed us how much He loved us. It is this God who, in drawing us to Himself, asks us to trust Him when we are suffering and when our own loved ones cry out in our presence ( 1 Peter 2:21; 3:18; 4:1).

8. God's Comfort Is Greater Than Our Suffering
The apostle Paul pleaded with the Lord to take away an unidentified source of suffering. But the Lord declined saying, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." "Therefore," said Paul, "most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). Paul learned that he would rather be with Christ in suffering than without Christ in good health and pleasant circumstances.

9. In Times Of Crisis, We Find One Another
No one would choose pain and suffering. But when there is no choice, there remains some consolation. Natural disasters and times of crisis have a way of bringing us together. Hurricanes, fires, earthquakes, riots, illnesses, and accidents all have a way of bringing us to our senses. Suddenly we remember our own mortality and that people are more important than things. We remember that we do need one another and that, above all, we need God. Each time we discover God's comfort in our own suffering, our capacity to help others is increased. This is what the apostle Paul had in mind when he wrote, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God" ( 2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

10. God Can Turn Suffering Around For Our Good
This truth is best seen in the many examples of the Bible. Through Job's suffering we see a man who not only came to a deeper understanding of God but who also became a source of encouragement for people in every generation to follow. Through the rejection, betrayal, enslavement, and wrongful imprisonment of a man named Joseph, we see someone who eventually was able to say to those who had hurt him, "You meant evil against me; but God meant it for good" ( Genesis 50:20). When everything in us screams at the heavens for allowing suffering, we have reason to look at the eternal outcome and joy of Jesus who in His own suffering on an executioner's cross cried, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" ( Matthew 27:46).

Source: Radio Bible Class

2004-10-03T18:14:00.000+08:00

"If you have already decided to do something, no matter how difficult it may seem, it would not hinder you nor serve to discourage you because it's your choice that matters the most, the determination you need stems from your own decision, your own choice. Everyone knows that it ain't easy, so, what's new?"

I adapted the above "hypothesis" from amie during a conversation. Well, that indeed solved the pressing issue that I mentioned in yesterday's entry - the stumbling of the decision of the changing of church. Should this be another answered prayer from God. Well, AMEN! Truly indeed, if I've already decided to leave, though it may be difficult to do so, I would not be influenced by what others say or what I feel (for the devil likes to distract). It's my personal walk with Him - not others. So why should I let their remarks stumble me? Everything is my own choice, my own decision. I believe He would support me through everything.

2004-10-02T22:26:00.000+08:00

Is this my Life?

What is Your plan for me?

You claimed it to be prosperous

You said it would be flawless

But do You really mean it?

You said You would provide

But why am I in this poverty state?

You said You would be there

But why did You allow me to stumble?

How am I going to acquire the strength?

To live this life of pain

You know me best

You love me most

But where did You go

When I needed You most?

I made attempts to stand again

But it would result in another pain

Where are You exactly?

When it is really hurting

I pray hard to You, Lord

That everything would be made fine

That this phase would pass away quickly

And all things would be made perfect

- Humphrey Tan

2004-10-02T21:28:00.000+08:00

Just added a link which I think you guys might want to visit:
Christianity Today

2004-10-02T21:09:00.000+08:00

Will He be there? Will He provide?

I had some weird thoughts today. Well, many of you may start to feel that I am a person without firm decision. I asked myself few questions. Am I really prepared to settle down at RiverLife? Is this really His ultimate plan for me? Well, I started to stumble again. Thinking of things that contradict each other. I don't know whether it was my own decision or God's decision that I should change a church. I do not know whether it was yet another act of impatience. I know that I shouldn't be asking these questions now, as I should've asked them before any decision is made. Just as I was wondering, another question came to my mind. What is the Purpose of going to Church? This is indeed a simple yet complicated question. Going to Church just because of the music? The people? The atmosphere? The feeling? NO way !!! Going to church is to have fellowship with both God and fellow siblings-in-Christ. Then, am I attending church for the right purpose and right aim? Well, it's a 80% yes to that question. However, I felt that although the vertical relationship (with God) is there, the horizontal one (with siblings) is still not yet built. Is this another message from God? I dare not think. Maybe it's because that I am still new to them or maybe I am an introvert and "shy" to interact. At Emmaus, the brothers were friendly. They would take the initiative to get to know the new-comers and to build relationship with them. Well, maybe I am 50% correct. God did prompted me to change a church, but He never say that it's RiverLife. Maybe I should attend RiverLife as a visitor instead of a member. Well, not that I doubt God. It's just to play safe as it may not be pleasing to God if I go to a place that is not intended for me. In the meantime, I think that I should really look around and find an ideal place, where God intended for me, and settle down. Be it RiverLife or any other, as long as it is pleasing in God's eye, I do not mind.

2004-09-30T17:42:00.000+08:00

2004-09-28T10:01:00.000+08:00

FOR THOSE TEARS I DIED

You said You'd come and share all my sorrows,
You said, You'd be there for all my tomorrows;
I came so close to sending You away,
But just like You promised You came there to stay
I just had to pray!

And Jesus said, "Come to the water,
Stand by My side,
I know you are thristy
you won't be denied;
I felt every tear drop
When in darkness you cried,
And I strove to remind you
that for those tears I died."

Your goodness so great I can't understand,
And dear Lord I know that all this was planned;
I know You're here now and always will be,
Your love loosed my chains and in You I'm free
But Jesus, Why me?

And Jesus said, "Come to the water,
Stand by My side,
I know you are thristy
you won't be denied;
I felt every tear drop
When in darkness you cried,
And I strove to remind you
that for those tears I died."

Jesus, I give You my heart and my soul!
I know that without God I'd never be whole;
Savior, You opened all the right doors,
And I thank You and praise You from earth's humble shores,
Take me, I'm Yours!

And Jesus said, "Come to the water,
Stand by My side,
I know you are thristy
you won't be denied;
I felt every tear drop
When in darkness you cried,
And I strove to remind you
that for those tears I died."

The meaning of the lyrics above are revealed to a high degree. Whenever I listen or sing this song, tears would involuntarily flow across my face. I do not know why. Well, this song will be my prayer today.

2004-09-25T14:50:00.000+08:00

I am feeling really tired and depressed. So many things, so many events and so many issues surrounded me. Just as I told myself that I can't hold on anymore and can live no longer, the Lord sent few people to touch my life and used them to hold me up, to strengthen me. This shows how prayers work. Since the day I decided to leave Emmaus and to join Riverlife, I've been having the feeling of fear and worries as I did not give my siblings in Emmaus an "official" account of my departure. I played badminton with jonathan cho, joylynn, benjamin lim, eugene foo, ze sheng and randall yeaterday and we went singapore post to have our dinner. Just as I reached home, the phone rang and it was Su Yi (my ex-discipler). He hadn't been contacting me for it and I thought that he had already forgotten my existence. Well, he hasn't. He wants to meet up with me regarding my reasons for leaving and regarding the problems I faced. Thus, we've decided on the 2nd October that we'll meet and have a chat.Well, that solved one of my problems.

Well, if anyone of you would notice, I've set my msn nick as "I am breaking down." I didn't expect anyone to care or to show his or her concern by asking anything about it. However, I had two brothers yesterday, whom took the effort to ask why. They are Khai Ying and Jun Liang - though I failed to elaborate it clearly to Jun Liang (I will tell you another day k?). Well, I've spoke (online) with Khai Ying for about half an hour. I told him about some of my problems as he further helped my dig out things that are missing in my life such as the fellowship with fellow siblings. Then, we started to chat about. I told him about myself, noticing a change in some brothers' faith and attitude and how some of them even despise my on my change of house (church). I also told him about how the words or passing remarks, be it intentionally or not, had hurt me deeply and left a scar, in fact a few scars, in my heart (people out there, guys do get hurt too). I ended the conversation half-way through as I was really feeling very dizzy and sick yesterday and needed to rest. He ended off with an encouragement. "I am still your brother, even though you may have left us." That really left a strong sense of the Christ's Spirit. As long as we are Christians, no longer who we are, our race, backgrounds or churches, all Christians belong to a single body, which in Christ Jesus. Nothing can separate us from the Love of our God in Christ Jesus the Lord.

As for today, Bro. Benjamin of Emmaus started a conversation with me. He didn't ask about my nick. However, he started the conversation with, "Is there anything I can pray for you?". This is the kind of brothers that I've been searching for. The matured way of helping a brother by not asking him about the problems directly. That's what I've called brotherly love of Christ. I told him that it's a long story to be elaborated and thus, I summarised everything to him by making few prayer requests. Yes, I believe that He is the one who sent them to me. To spur me on and to help me grow.

My prayer yesterday was answered with 24 hrs, isn't that amazing? As was in the lift yesterday, I told Him, "Lord, I am really tired now, grant me rest." And He immediately sent people to encourage me and to let me feel that I am not alone. Praise Him and let's exalt His Name.

Well, if anyone of you would be caring enough to pray for me, my prayer requests are:
1) Strength to cope with objections, fear and things I do.
2) Strength and Courage to trust in God even in times of struggles and emergencies.
3) A change in my attitude that I would be careful about my tongues and that I would convert hatred into love.
4) Grow in my fellowship with fellow siblings-in-Christ
5) Growth in my walk with Him

If you want a more specific request, please feel free to drop me an email or call me. Thank You & God Bless.

I find the lyrics below very meaningful, thus, I would like to ahre with you guys:

In This Moment

Standing in this moment, and I pray to God that I
Will have the strength to carry on
My heavy burden, my laden face, I weep with silent tears
For him who hears to take this pain away

I don't want to ask for something more than I can bear
But give me the strength I need to trust you more
With my future, my worries, and all I have to offer for love
Lord I love you, Lord I trust you, Lord your goodness cares for me
Lord guide me, Lord lead me on

I've found your freedom, seen your glory
Nothing feels the way you make me feel when I'm with you
I'm awakened with you saying spend today with me
I have so much to offer you

Lord, I've tried to live my life on my own
But then I realized that you're the source of all of me
I was running my race all alone, but then you came to me
Took my hand and led me on

- Chris Keator

2004-09-24T22:01:00.000+08:00

REST

I know You are here, God

But can I touch You?

Can you show Yourself to me?

I want to hide under Your wings

And seek protection from You

I am really tried - drained

Strengthen me with Your love

Raise me up with Your mighty arms

I need You

To be here - with me

I am breaking down

Build me up

Seal my faith - don't let it fades

Cover me

With Your love

Grant me rest - in Your presence

- Humphrey Tan

2004-09-24T13:09:00.000+08:00

Had my second last paper this morning, which is Additional Mathematics Paper Two. Well, not as difficult as Paper One, which I did not prepare, I mean not fully prepared for. Well, I don't mean that Paper Two was easy. Just hope that it will revive my overall score for A-mathematics. My aim for A-maths is a B3. Well, after so many papers, I suddenly feel a bit of regretful feeling gushing through me. Did I really put in the sufficient effort that is required? Did I really trust God as I've said? Did I really....? Well, to me, the answers to all the questions are an absolute 'No'... Well, may this prelim exam be the last wake up call for me to buck up for the coming o levels... Hmm, got more information about the year-end trip. It's a 6D5N trip to Melbourne which would probably cost S$1400 excluding the high airport taxes, I mean taxes (plural). With a subsidy of S$600 from school, I still have to fork out thousand plus for my expenditure there. Haiz... where can I get those money? Maybe this is another test that I should trust God fully and having the faith that He, who brought me here, would make a way for me. Well, I shall end here....

2004-09-21T11:02:00.000+08:00

CAPTURED

Your sweet voice

It captured my ears

Your grown-up yet childish actions

They captured my attention

Your presence

Has always kept me distracted

The joy we shared

The fun we had

The jokes we made

The moments we played

Have they ended?

I told you I wouldn't want any other

Than you alone

You may not be the first

But I am sure I will never be like the past

We used to joke

We used to laugh

We used to play

We used to talk

But we no longer

I wish to tell you again

That I do not want any other

But you

For now and forever

And Yes!

I mean it.

- Humphrey Tan (For Someone Special)

2004-09-20T13:43:00.000+08:00

What is worship? Is worship all about singing praises and hymns to the Holy One? Is worship just about praising God about His handiwork? Is worship just physical actions like dancing, shouting, kneeling and proclaiming? Romans 12:1 says, "to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God. This is your spiritual act of worship." Sacrifices do not always mean dead sacrifices. We can offer Him our lives, giving Him control over us and submit everything to Him. Worshipping God is also doing or saying things that please Him. However, by saying things that please Him doesn't mean proclaiming or saying "Amen", "Thank You, Lord.", "Praise God!" or "Hallelujah!". These words are cliche. Thus, it is often said without understanding the deep meaning in it. People use them for the sake of using, but do they really think of God or really express the form of gratitude from deep within their hearts? However, if someone is really desiring to express his deepest gratitude to God, he would automatically come out with words like "I respect you.", "I appreciate Your work" etc. It is more pleasing to receive two specific compliments than to receive two hundred vague generalities. Thus, pleasing God is not only praying or praising Him, but to mean what you do and to understand what you do. This is true Worship!

The above are some thoughts by me and some are extracted from the Purpose Driven Life. Well, the song posted yesterday, "Above All Else" was based on the same thing. The true worship.

Well, it's the amaths paper one today. It was kinda difficult for me. It might be an easy paper, maybe it's because I didn't put in sufficient effort in my revision. Well, I reap what I sow... He who sow wickedness reaps troubles... hahaz.... Well, that's all... bye

2004-09-19T20:09:00.000+08:00

ABOVE ALL ELSE

How wide is Your great love
That You would come and die for me
The Lamb that's been given
So I may come receive
Your grace it overflows
Your mercy fills me in my soul
Such a wonderful Saviour
Who knows me like my own

What a privilege for me to come depend
on a God who calls me by my name, my friend

Above all else
I want to love You like You do
Lord I will worship like I should
I will give my all to You

Above all else
I want to live my life each day
Pleasing in every single way
Jesus I will offer up my all to You

There're times when I would fall
When I can't seem to hear You call
But I know that You're here Lord
You'll never let me go
You'll always stand by me
For who I am and used to be
Don't deserve any of these
The things You freely give

2004-09-19T19:51:00.000+08:00

It has been days since I last posted about what's happening. Well, had a few papers. Social Studies, Bio Pract, Geography, E Maths P1 & P2, as well as Sci Pract. Well, the remaining papers are namely, A Maths P1 & P2, Sci P3 & P1 and Bio P1 & P2. Well, the day of the last paper would be on the 28th September. Haiz.. life's getting more stressful each day. Well, that's life that God has planned. Well... It's 7.46pm now, and I still have 8 more chapters of A-Maths to go. Tommorrow shall be the A maths paper ONE... Really feel regretful about my past. IF... I hadn't been lazing around, not paying close attention or any awareness of urgency, I'd not have ended up in this so-called pathetic state. Should it be too late for me to be zapped back into reality? There's nothing else I could do other than telling myself "It's never too late!" Well, life will never be meaningful if I keep on using the term "IF"... I should be satisfied with my present state, as it's the consequences of what I've done, be it positive or negative. Well.. I think that I should get back to my revision before it's really too late to do anything. Guess I'll end here. Bye...

2004-09-18T23:07:00.000+08:00

STILL

Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust

I find this song really meaningful. Especially in this crucial phase of my life. This song really calms my heart every moment I feel worried or anxious about the future. Now, which is the exam season, I really find this song applicable to me. With Christ, I fear nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing. With Him walking beside me, my soul will always be calmed. Well, I suddenly feel so privileged to have Him as my Lord. Well, words alone will not be possible to describe that... hahaz... for those who have yet known Him, I would strongly encourage you to discover Him today...

2004-09-14T20:51:00.000+08:00

GRADES GREATNESS OR GRACE

Man looks at our GRADES,

But God looks at our FAITH.

Though grades appeal to man,

God requires the Best.

The Best may be 'F' or 'A',

God says ' BE NOT DISMAYED'.

For it's no grace if one doesn't prevail.

So cheer up my soul, study your best,

For God only demand what we HAVE.

Be careful also my friend,

Good grades don't always mean SUCCESS.

For doing well is not enough,

It's your BEST that really count.

But then LORD, I know I cannot do my BEST.

HALLELUIAH! All is possible with PRAYER.

Be not anxious then,

Or panic in your exams.

For CHRIST who died to save your soul

will never leave you alone.

Healthy your soul will be,

If your helplessness you see.

For then you will understand,

It's only HE who made you STAND.

Therefore arise my SOUL,

And let us disappoint the foe,

For we shall give our BEST,

Let GOD TAKE CARE of the rest.

So, no matter what the results may be,

We can always rest in HIS PEACE.

For God is able to give us all distinctions.

But this clearly isn't his intention.

For God has made us all unique,

So that it's you, and only you

Can his PERFECT WILL be fulfilled.

God has always accepted you.

For He's the One who created you.

So, do not compare or despair,

For in His sight you're always fair.

I know He will surely see you through,

Showing you He is the God of tomorrow too!

2004-09-13T18:46:00.000+08:00

REMEMBRANCE

I remembered that day

The day of crucifixion

When You said

"This is how much I love you!"

And You stretched out Your arms

And returned to the Father

I remembered that day

The day of trouble

When You said

"Surrender yourself to me!"

And that pleases You

As that worships You

It was yesterday

When worries filled my heart

When You promised

"Trust in me and miracle shall be upon you!"

I gave You my trust

And I seen that very miracle that You Promised

It is now

That I want to testify

That I want to proclaim

That You are the everlasting Lord

Whose promises never fail

Who never forsake His children

Thank You, Father

For unmeasurable love

And the unfailing promise

-Humphrey Tan

2004-09-13T18:43:00.000+08:00

I BELIEVE

I heard story just the other day,
About man who gave his life away for me
Complicated yet it seems so clear
If I open up my heart, it be so near to me
I believe in you
I believe in you

I heard story just the other day,
About man who gave his life away for me
Complicated yet seems so clear
If I open up my heart, it be so near to me

I believe in you
I believe in you
I believe in you
I believe your word as set me free
All that I am
I will live my life for you
I believe

I read a story just the other day
About the way you healed blind man, made him see
Here I stand crying out to you
Holding her faith to see miracle in me,

I believe in you
I believe in you
I believe in you
I believe your word as set me free
All that I am
I will live my life for you

2004-09-12T18:23:00.000+08:00

Gradually getting back to normal

Good news! I think that I am getting back to normal. Well, guess that those things that happened recently were due to my walk with Him. I had been straying away from Him and had neglected Him in my life. Once again, I became my own God and made decisions for myself. Well, for your information, I HAD stopped my QT with the Purpose Driven Life and by His grace, I resumed it. Today was the first day and it started with only Chapter 10, thus, I have 39 more chapters to go. Today's quiet time caused a great impact on me. It's about surrendering to God. To many people, the term surrendering is always a negative term as it is mostly used in situations like giving up on everything, captives surrendering to authority etc. However, in this book, the term surrender is to commit everything to God, letting Him to drive the car (your life), and take my hand off the steer. It's about worshipping and pleasing Him. Well, I learnt how to surrender myself to Him and how should I lead my life. Hmm, thank God for Hid faithfulness once again.

Tomorrow will be the Social Studies and E Maths paper 2. Well, maybe this should be an opportunity for me to trust Him. Just as Proverbs 3:5-6 says "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." I will trust Him with my heart and I believe that He will perform another miracle from me. I want to be a true Christian even as I face the exams. In Psalm 46:10, it says that "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." I will be still, I will be calm and bring out the grace of God and reflect His promises and faithfulness to the rest.

AMEN.

2004-09-11T21:30:00.000+08:00

I am breaking it out... but I can't...

Please don't get surprise if you read on the news headline tomorrow that a teenager has committed suicide. Haha... just joking... Words alone can't describe my feeling right now. Well, I just couldn't express my feeling using words as it is now beyond description. I never had this kind of feeling before. I really wish to call her and tell her that I am really serious this time. However, will that work? Would that spoil our present friendship? Would she ignore me? I do not know. Haiz... just hope that the last day of O level comes quickly... haiz...

2004-09-10T23:06:00.000+08:00

It's like preventing Air from escaping from a container.

It's really hard. It's really hard to hide a feeling that will never fade. I've tried my very best to keep it down in my heart, but it's a torture. Imagine yourself holding your breath on and on. That what I felt all the while, maybe I should say, that's what I am feeling right now at this very moment. Whenever I met her online or in school, I would have the intention to tell her that I still like her, however, I told myself that I mustn't do that. Haiz.. O what is Love... haiz...

2004-09-10T10:23:00.000+08:00

I have a nice site to share with you guys:

http://www.spug.net/showthread.php?p=602468

2004-09-09T21:51:00.000+08:00

DREAM...

Did I said that I dreamt of her? Well, maybe I shouldn't say. I knew that you guys would definitely laugh at me and some would even say, "Chin Ho, you are thinking too much!" Well, everything happened on tuesday's night. I dreamt of her. It took place in school, I guessed (little people can remember 100% of his dream). I dreamt myself talking to her, but she failed to notice me. Well, then... aiyahz... hmm... don't think I want to say more le. If you want to know more, you may ask my in MSN and I MIGHT tell you. hahaz...

Well, reached home at 5 plus this evening. Well, the journey was relatively smooth compared to the last one. Hmm... well, supposed to go back to school to collect some social studies stuff but I knew I couldn't make it back on time. Well, called jun liang to collect for me then. Hmm... then ask mum to collect from him just now.. hahaz.. it's so kind of him...

Well, I couldn't really concentrate on my revision. She kept appearing in my mind and I'd spend lots of time thinking about her. What's wrong with me? Can somebody help me?

2004-09-09T17:35:00.000+08:00

He who claimed to be the FATHER, is the FATHER indeed

Hi everyone (if anyone cares to read), I am back from the DunnoLand. I have a personal testimony to share with you guys. What's the definition of a Father. According to the dictionary, a Father is someone, who brings a child up. Well, according to the bible, it is more than this, a Father is someone who loves his children, who cares for his children and who will never forsake his children. Well, while I was on the bus three days ago, it started to drizzle and eventually turned into a heavy downpour. Well, I dislike rain, as it caused many inconvenience especially to travellers and it is quite a danger to walk on the road when it rains, provided that I had so many belongings and my brother was with us. Well, I closed my eyes and talked to the Father. "Dear Lord, I believe in You as You said You will not let me suffer. I believe that You will not forsake me or let me on my own. And now Father, I believe that You will stop this rain..." Just as my prayer was approaching to the end, the "melody" of the impact of the rain hitting the top of the bus started to fade... and eventually stopped. I opened my eyes and I found out that the rain had stopped. Hallelujah! I shouted in my heart and tears of joy nearly flowed. HE ANSWERED MY PRAYER!!!

That was not the end. We reached the terminus and transfered to a cab to the final destination. Well, you got to believe me, it rained again. It was about 5km from our destination when it started to pour. Well, as I knew that He would answer, I prayed again. And well, I don't think I need to further elaborate, as you guys should know the ending. The rain stopped. Throughout the journey, no rain droplet fell on me.

2004-09-05T21:35:00.000+08:00

Wake me up Lord, will You?

I found out that I've been sleeping all the while. Thanks to Joylynn, who woke me up. Hope that it's not too late. I have to admit this: I've stopped praying to God about the church matter since I've made up my mind to attend riverlife. (Not knowing that whether it was my own decision or God's) I admit I assumed that God wanted me there. All the reasons I gave were from myself, they were not from God. I stumbled when Joylynn told me that we all sec4s, are going to leave MEGALIFE and proceed to another service which is going to be held from 7pm till 9.30pm, which is impossible for the time being. As I already have a bit of problem now. Why? If I am really committed to Him and ready to give up anything for Him, I wouldn't have stumbled upon the timing. I can proudly say that I am attending riverlife for the sake of God, not for the sake of the people nor for the sake of going. However, it was not like this for emmaus. Since the first day, my purpose there was wrong. Many a time, or should I say most of the time, I was there not to desire God, not really to seek God, but just attending foundation and youth fellowship for the sake of the people there, and for the sake of going. AS for the foundation and second-half, I couldn't find myself 100% attentive to them, it's always the messages entering into the right ear and coming out from the left. Thus, I gained nothing. Well, I know that attending church is not to gain something or what. Attending church is to exalt and exhort God as one body of Christ. Attending church is to glorify Him. Attending church is to fellowship with one another. Attending church is to maintain the covenant with God. And well, I am not God, although I can say that I attend riverlife for God, but I can't tell that this will last. Will I be stumbled once again? Will I doubt once again? Or will I change to another church once again? Well, after few minutes of reflection, the only answer to my struggle is, or perhaps the only question to my struggle is: "Have I been praying to Him and seek His opinion?" Well, I know that I can't say yes. In fact, I feel that I've not prayed to Him in such personal way for a long time. Long time = About a week. I know that it's no point saying these things, as actions normally speak louder than words do. However, I do not know why. I failed to realise His presence all day long. I've been doing things that I felt are beneficial to myself. I did not seek Him. I became my own God. I made my own decision. I've been proclaiming Him, I've been singing and listening to songs that praise Him. However, I would be too ashamed if I were to ask myself the following questions. "Do I mean what I sing?" "Do I mean my every prayer?" "Is my desire burning? Or do I worship for the sake of worship?" "Am I conscious of God?" and the list goes on and on. When would I really stand firm and say "YES" to every questions? I always ask people around me to seek Him and to pray, but never did I set as an example. Yes, I prayed oftenly. But I only meant 40% of my prayer. Well, I did tried to focus on Him times and again, but things just did not turn out the way I want to be. I was distracted - by unknown sources. That affected my prayers.

The most powerful weapon of a Christian is prayer. It's so simple yet so powerful and amazing. It acts as a telephone between the faraway heaven and earth. Well, it's also an important tool for Christian to talk to God and to seek His opinions in many things. Thus, I feel that I really should waste this tool. Unlike a typical phone, other than wireless, I can use it to communicate with God anywhere, anytime - and it's absolutely FREE!...

Well, I am going to start praying to Him. If anyone out there is facing a similar problem as me, I do hope that you would ask yourself the questions that I've mentioned. And PRAYED!!! Lastly, if anyone is reading this, please commit me in your prayers... THANK YOU & AMEN.

*I'd be out of town from tomorrow. Probably back on Wednesday. Thus, may not be blogging. Bye...

2004-09-05T18:54:00.000+08:00

May the grace of Christ our Saviour,

And the Father's boundless love,

With the Holy Spirit's favour,

Rest upon us from above.

-- John Newton

2004-09-05T13:16:00.000+08:00

Putting myself in God's shoes.

Being a Christian is never easy. For a new Christian, going to church, taking part in building the church may sound interesting to them. Thus, they would participate actively in each and every activities of the church. However, for some, they would gradually develop a tiredness for Christ. The Holy passion and desire in them gradually fade. Oftenly, they would find excuses like "Exams coming", "Not allowed to", "Illness", and sometimes "No money". However, they are often so untrue. In fact, they used excuses to cover up another excuse. For most of the time, they would just spend their time at home either doing things that do not glorify God or not beneficial at all. Therefore, can they be known as Christian? They are no different from those pagans out there who pursue what their mind and flesh desire.

Went for service yesterday. The topic was on how to build a contagious church. Learnt about the component of building a contagious church. The name of the "service sector" is MEGALIFE. It's acronyms are Making Everyone God's Ambassadors with Love, Integrity, Faith and Extravagant. Yesterday was about LIFE. Learnt to Love sincerely, live with Integrity, having Faith and being extravagant by not offering God the left-overs, but giving Him the best. Best worship. Best praise. Best applause. Once again, I made a committment unto Him. Proclaiming that I will glorify Him in all I do. I will be His ambassador, proclaiming His love, His care and His word.

2004-09-03T20:22:00.000+08:00

ENGLISH WAS A KILLER

Both English papers were so difficult. I don't think I can pass this time. I could understand nothing from the comprehension passage. How was I going to answer all those questions? Hope my summary would save my life.

Brought the present with me to school today. Intended to pass it to her as I know I won't get to see her on that actual day. In another word, the next time I would meet her would be on the 13th, when school re-opens next term. The exemplary pupils had a meeting just now regarding the destination, price and date of the trip. I was raining heavily before the meeting. Well, I do not know why, it was as if every single of them know that I was going to give her something. Well, she was standing behind a pillar, looking at the rain falling onto the quadrangle. Well, Jonathan Cho and company kinda forced me to bring the present to her. Well, I did (not knowing that everyone was looking at me). Well, it was just a birthday present, wasn't it? What's there to hide? Passed it to her quickly and went back to join the rest. (I didn't blush, yet). Then that eugene foo read the wordings on the wrapping paper, which eventually made me blush..... OMG...

Well, don't feel like elaborating anymore. My last word would be: I am in need of $$$. At least a thousand for my trip.

2004-09-02T19:33:00.000+08:00

Preliminary examinations starts tomorrow. Don't think that I would be blogging so often le. Don't miss me...

2004-09-01T19:54:00.000+08:00

- Humphrey Tan (for someone he holds dear)

2004-09-01T13:50:00.000+08:00

It's you, it's you, yes it's you. I do, I still do, I always do, like you.

I do not know why. I do not know the reason behind. I did not expect this. I had never thought of this. I once told myself that I would not think of such thing again. I convinced myself to set my mind focused on my studies, on God and nothing else. However, I found out that I really can't remove her, or in another word, to temporarily remove her from my mind. I find myself thinking about her whenever the nuclei of the brain cells did not command the cells to be active. Furthermore, I could feel my heart crying with her when i see her cry, I felt angry when she felt annoyed. What can I do then? Tell her how I feel again? NO WAY! That would spoil our present friendship or "sibling-ship".

2004-08-31T20:19:00.000+08:00

I am back... but will MIA soon...

It has been so many days since I last posted an entry and clicking the Publish Post button. So many things happened during the last few days and how I wish I could pour out everything here. However, I won't. I did something both Godly and ungodly yesterday. Went to SingPost to get cards for teacher's day yesterday night. Well, most teacher's day cards were wiped-out from Popular, thus, my memory told me that FairPrice does sell cards as well, thus, managed to get some cards from there. Hmm, my brother wanted to have his "dinner" at McDonald's despite that dinner had already been cooked at home. Well, all he wanted was the "SEGA" mini game. Well, the guy at the counter was really rude and unfriendly. I was not sure whether I could get any discount or offer by showing them my student's pass. well, I did showed it to him. "Sorry! McSpicy Double Meal doesn't have student meal." He proclaimed it loudly and I guessed everyone present heard him. Well, If I were to be angry with him regarding this matter, I am really erm... a typical Singaporean. Well, during the payment, I told him that I am a member and passed him the ez-link card, with a note in my hand. And you know what he did? He scanned the ez-link card, trying to deduct money from it. "SORRY SIR! THE MEAL COSTSS, THE MEAL COSTS EIGHT DOLLARS AND NINTY-FIVE CENTS, BUT YOU ONLY HAVE EIGHT DOLLARS AND TWENTY-FIVE CENTS IN YOUR CARD!" He "proclaimed" it once again, and caused someone people around me to laugh. The evil type. I was getting annoyed. I walked away with an irritated expression. I went to mum and casually took a fries out and put it into my mouth. It was really, super disgusting. The oil had already went rancid. The fries was as hard as a rock. It really tasted awful. Mum took it to that guy who took my order. He tried one and replied, "It's like that one, you expect it to be soft?". OMG, what kind of attitude is this? Is this a McDonald's kind of attitude towards their customers? I went to the manager to request for a feedback form. However, he told me that they don't really have anything called feedback form and asked that my feedback to be directly told to him. I called him to my table and asked him to look at the fries. Without any further conversation, "I know what you want to say, by one look, I can see that the problem lies on the fries." (Glad you know - my heart replied). We were told by him that it is McDonald's policy that they should dump the fries 10 minutes after they are cooked, and he offered to help us replace it. Well, in order to make him feel guilty, I declined that offer. I vow not to step into that branch again... I begin to hate McDonald's....

____________________________________________

hmm, it's teacher's day eve today. Well, had to reach school by 6.40am but woke up at 6.00am... wahahahz... I knew I was going to be late. However, there was no point worrying and thinking what time would I make it to school. I rushed out of my bed and charged to the washroom... hahaz... reached the bus-stop at 6.30am... decided to take a cab... I waited for around 15 minutes before a cab finally appeared in front of me. However, an inconsiderate man just ran out and hailed the cab in front of me. I knew I came before him... much longer before him... I felt like stabbing him with a knife and chop him into millions of pieces... well, reached at around 6.50am plus...

well.... the performance was quite a success, well, 85% bahz... hmm.. school ended at 9.30 plus... As mum is going to sponsor me for the day, I decided to join them for the 3 hours badminton session at KBG CC, followed by going Swensen's to celebrate Benjamin's birthday... Badminton was considered relatively fun as I could sweat myself out... wahahaz.. seldom exercise... :p... hmm... had breaded chicken, a pizza and a third of a regular earthquake... hmm....so full... hahaz... that's all for today...

2004-08-29T22:34:00.000+08:00

Reach Out To Jesus

Is your burden heavy as you bear it all alone?

Does the road you travel harbor dangers yet unknown?

Are you growing weary in the struggle of it all?

Jesus will help you, when on His name you call.

He is always there hearing every prayer

faithful and true

Walking by our side in His love we hide,

all the day through.

When you get discouraged just remember what to do,

Reach out to Jesus, He's reaching out to you.

Is the life you're living filled with sorrow and despair?

Does the future push you with its weight and its care?

Are you tired and famished,

Have you almost lost your way?

Jesus will help you, just come to Him today.

2004-08-27T18:47:00.000+08:00

I am starting to feel that I am a rubbish. Something that people avoid and despised. I've lost all my rights. I can't pass comments. I can't say anything to people. Even though I am trying to correct them. It's right and justified that a leopard will never change its spots, not a tiger to change its stripes. However, does it mean that people, human beings I mean, will never repent and change? Is it too unfair for me?

I was during lesson time. Someone beside me said something that's really uncalled for. Well, I should admit that I said those things in a wrong context. I should be less aggressive in correcting him. Well, that may be because that was not the first time. I told him, "You called yourself a Christian?" Well, I meant good though it may seem sarcastic to some people. However, he replied with a really hurtful manner. "Like you are one!" Well, and wei chuan, who is sitting right in front of me, turned around and shoot me with words like "Look at yourself" (he always does this, and that's why I kinda dislike him - though I am trying hard to love him). Does he have to do that? By right he should be helping me to correct the brother beside me. Well, I do not wish to start a "fight", thus I kept quiet.

Went to McDonald's after school. I didn't have my meal there. Don't feel like having any burger or fries. It was supposed to be a fellowship time, but ended up to... The same incident happened again. This time was without Jonathan. Countless insults were hurled at me. I couldn't take it anymore. However, I could do nothing but remained silence. They were building their joys on my sorrows. However, the same calling kept repeating in my mind again. "My dear child, forgive them, for your sake. Be not worry, I will be here to protect you, to guard your heart, to comfort your soul." Coincidentally, or perhaps by God's plan, for today's chaper in the PDL, a verse was mentioned. "Accept each other just as Christ has accepted you; then God will be glorified." It is my reaponsibility as a God's disciple to learn to love as He does. Because He is love.

I wanted to express my discomfort again. They knew it before I told. And they call that "da dao li" (wise-saying). Thus, I didn't not say much. I merely told them, "I will not say anything much, as I know that you guys would not take them to hearts. Laugh all you want, joke all you wish. I would ask you guys to put yourselves in my shoes, I just want to tell you that the feeling is very bad to be insulted at and to be used as a joking topic. Jokes are okay sometimes, but there is a limit to everything." Although I used a friendly and calm tone, my heart was undergoing a struggle, the pain was beyond description. How I wish that I could vanish right at the spot and be transformed to a quiet place where I could tell God how I felt. Though the tears did not threatened to fall this time, but the tear gland of my heart was already dried up. Thinking of how and why, even fellow brothers in christ would mock and insult you, instead of holding and keeping you up and alive in faith, in love and in trust. Thinking of how God feel, when He sees His creations having conflicts and disagreements with each other. Thinking of eternity, where would I go, where would they go?

I can't say that I am perfect. I admit that I do sin against him frequently. Through my words, through my actions. However, just I've said in many previous entries, I am still trying to change. And this change is not an over-night process. It is a life-long one. The bible says, "As the Spirit of the Lord work within us, we become more and more like him and reflect his glory even more." The only difference is that I am willing to let the Spirit take control over me and works in me. I brought this into my prayer today. I prayed for each and every single one of them. Eugene Foo, Brendan Chew, Jie Shun, Benjamin Lim, Victor and Wei Chuan. I know that it's not their fault to have done and said all those things. I know that the cause is that they have gave in to the devil and failed to listen to Him. They may appear Holy and firm at the outside. However, it may be the opposite in the outside. Well, I may me wrong. (I told God that) It may be just another judgment from me. However, I knew that I should pray anyway.

No, I didn't cry. Why should I cry? I have a Person whom I can truly depend on in times of need. In times of sorrow and In times of pain. I am not on my own. I have Him. I have Jesus. The people around me can say things that may be hurtful. They may do things that may harm me. However, no matter what they do, as long as my faith in Him is strong, nothing will defeat me. "I have Jesus as my Shield. I have Christ as my strength. I have God as my life. There's absolutely nothing that I can fear of."

Not Alone

You are my Shield, Jesus

You are my Strength, Christ

You are my Life, God

Nothing should I be afraid

You'll protect me

You'll guard my heart

You'll comfort my soul

Nothing, absolutely nothing

Can defeat me

Your arms are always open to me

Your words are always that soothing

Your love is always so warm

You voice is always so lovely

Loneliness never exists

With You as my Lord

- Humphrey Tan

2004-08-26T20:15:00.000+08:00

Which is His calling? And which is his?

I did not intend to post an entry today. I was online since 30 minutes ago and felt like switching my computer off and proceed to revise for my a-maths test tomorrow. However, I suddenly had the urge to blog as I know that I may need the help of you (refering to Christians) to answer some questions and also to pray for me. The poor me, again.

I am now living with a mixed feeling. I feel that I am the middle person between God and the devil. I have been hearing "voices" from each party. And there are many times that I couldn't locate the source of those callings.

Few brothers came to talk to me about the church matter. They told me that it's probably His plan that they were sent to "counsel" me. However, they seem to instill a certain level of guilt in me by mentioning about some questions. MOTIVE! PURPOSE! ACTION!... well.. these words look simple... but they carry a big meaning. Well, is it God who is holding me back? Or was it my own feeling and judgment that God is using them to talk to me?

I know that if this is going to continue like this, I will either go bonkers or will stray away from Him. I couldn't explain me feeling and thoughts right now. I feel that I am growing, but on the other hand, I could also feel that my faith is gradually decreasing and I am starting to let the satain take control over me?

The topic of "The Purpose Driven Life" yesterday was about life. It mentions that life is about test and trust. Somewhere in that chapter, it mentioned that God continually tests people's character, faith, obedience, love, integrity, and loyalty. It mentioned that God drew Himself back to test Hezekiah. In another word, God allowed him to fail to sense His closeness. Well, maybe it's God who is testing me now. Maybe He purposely allowed those brothers to approach me to test me. To see if I would change my mind or change decision easily.

However, I am not God. I know nothing. Therefore, I really need help and need prayers. I strongly believe that God has a plan for me and He knows everything. Thus, I do not want to get in His way. I just want to serve Him and glorify Him with my life.