_________ i have found my island; waiting for the island to let me in `

Monday, November 15, 2004

What the hell is happening in me? I am doing and saying things that are not practical and logical at all. All of them could lead to a deadly ending. What should I do now? How I wish that there is something which I can use to turn back the time, then I wouldn't be so foolish anymore. Where is the real and genuine chin ho? Can someone out there get him back into this flesh? He has wandered to nowhere and I simply can't find him and I can't see him. The next paper is in two days' time and I am not even prepared for anything. O God, save me...!

Had nasi lemak for breakfast, instant noodles for lunch and nasi lemak for dinner again, just that both of them are from different stalls. Maybe I should call today the NASI LEMAK DAY. Well, guess that I am starting to have a slight cough and hope that it will go in no time. I hate cough, especially the one I had in the beginning of the year. I just coughed non-stop and I could really feel the shortness of breath. My study-table is really messy now. Piles of books are on top and it doesn't look like a study-table anymore. Guess I should start packing it later for the preparation of the battle tomorrow.

Btw, I wish to say sorry to someone for doubting her. "I am sorry for that. I admit I was too impulsive then. I promise not to doubt your integrity again. I trust you."

I had a reflection about my Christian life just now. The below is the Disciple's Wheel

The illustration above tells the components of an obedient Christian. It is a wheel, with Christ in the centre of the wheel, controlling it. The vertical spokes are Prayer and Word, which illustrate the relationship with God through prayers and having a consistent Quiet Time with Him. The horizontal spokes are Witnessing and Fellowship. They are the relationship with the people here on this earth. Witnessing is the sharing of His Love and bringing the lost ones to Christ. Fellowship is spending time with fellow Christians sharing and building up each others' lives. So, what have I been doing?

I have not been consistent with my Quiet Time and there goes the Word. The passion and will for evangelism has died and there goes the Witnessing part. Fellowship? I failed to initiate or meet up with fellow brothers and sisters to share my problems with or to share their problems. Lastly, Prayer. Well, I did pray, but only when I need help. I failed give Him prayers of thanksgiving. All the four spokes are so weak and the wheel is bound to be damaged. And this shows how bad I am in leading this life. A life without God. A life full of myself. A life of earthly desires. A life of rubbish.

Although I go to church not for the sake of going, but I guess sometimes my motives and purpose of going is undesirable too. I simply go to church to spend my day out instead of locking myself up at home. Is that what God desire? NO! God wants my unreserved obedience, my undivided worship and my unlimited trust in Him. I failed to fulfil any of them. Instead of glorifying Him to the fullest, I hurt Him and disappointed Him to the fullest. What an unworthy son am I. Christian life is hard, and should I just end it? No, I will never do that.

I received an email attachment and a part reads, "If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world." Well, what can I say now? I am indeed so privileged yet I don't even know that. How pathetic am I?

And now, by His Grace, I see the light again. He is never too late to pull me up from this pile of dirt. He saves and He provides.

crucified at 8:45:00 PM
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