_________ i have found my island; waiting for the island to let me in `

Friday, August 27, 2004

I am starting to feel that I am a rubbish. Something that people avoid and despised. I've lost all my rights. I can't pass comments. I can't say anything to people. Even though I am trying to correct them. It's right and justified that a leopard will never change its spots, not a tiger to change its stripes. However, does it mean that people, human beings I mean, will never repent and change? Is it too unfair for me?

I was during lesson time. Someone beside me said something that's really uncalled for. Well, I should admit that I said those things in a wrong context. I should be less aggressive in correcting him. Well, that may be because that was not the first time. I told him, "You called yourself a Christian?" Well, I meant good though it may seem sarcastic to some people. However, he replied with a really hurtful manner. "Like you are one!" Well, and wei chuan, who is sitting right in front of me, turned around and shoot me with words like "Look at yourself" (he always does this, and that's why I kinda dislike him - though I am trying hard to love him). Does he have to do that? By right he should be helping me to correct the brother beside me. Well, I do not wish to start a "fight", thus I kept quiet.

Went to McDonald's after school. I didn't have my meal there. Don't feel like having any burger or fries. It was supposed to be a fellowship time, but ended up to... The same incident happened again. This time was without Jonathan. Countless insults were hurled at me. I couldn't take it anymore. However, I could do nothing but remained silence. They were building their joys on my sorrows. However, the same calling kept repeating in my mind again. "My dear child, forgive them, for your sake. Be not worry, I will be here to protect you, to guard your heart, to comfort your soul." Coincidentally, or perhaps by God's plan, for today's chaper in the PDL, a verse was mentioned. "Accept each other just as Christ has accepted you; then God will be glorified." It is my reaponsibility as a God's disciple to learn to love as He does. Because He is love.

I wanted to express my discomfort again. They knew it before I told. And they call that "da dao li" (wise-saying). Thus, I didn't not say much. I merely told them, "I will not say anything much, as I know that you guys would not take them to hearts. Laugh all you want, joke all you wish. I would ask you guys to put yourselves in my shoes, I just want to tell you that the feeling is very bad to be insulted at and to be used as a joking topic. Jokes are okay sometimes, but there is a limit to everything." Although I used a friendly and calm tone, my heart was undergoing a struggle, the pain was beyond description. How I wish that I could vanish right at the spot and be transformed to a quiet place where I could tell God how I felt. Though the tears did not threatened to fall this time, but the tear gland of my heart was already dried up. Thinking of how and why, even fellow brothers in christ would mock and insult you, instead of holding and keeping you up and alive in faith, in love and in trust. Thinking of how God feel, when He sees His creations having conflicts and disagreements with each other. Thinking of eternity, where would I go, where would they go?

I can't say that I am perfect. I admit that I do sin against him frequently. Through my words, through my actions. However, just I've said in many previous entries, I am still trying to change. And this change is not an over-night process. It is a life-long one. The bible says, "As the Spirit of the Lord work within us, we become more and more like him and reflect his glory even more." The only difference is that I am willing to let the Spirit take control over me and works in me. I brought this into my prayer today. I prayed for each and every single one of them. Eugene Foo, Brendan Chew, Jie Shun, Benjamin Lim, Victor and Wei Chuan. I know that it's not their fault to have done and said all those things. I know that the cause is that they have gave in to the devil and failed to listen to Him. They may appear Holy and firm at the outside. However, it may be the opposite in the outside. Well, I may me wrong. (I told God that) It may be just another judgment from me. However, I knew that I should pray anyway.

No, I didn't cry. Why should I cry? I have a Person whom I can truly depend on in times of need. In times of sorrow and In times of pain. I am not on my own. I have Him. I have Jesus. The people around me can say things that may be hurtful. They may do things that may harm me. However, no matter what they do, as long as my faith in Him is strong, nothing will defeat me. "I have Jesus as my Shield. I have Christ as my strength. I have God as my life. There's absolutely nothing that I can fear of."

Not Alone

You are my Shield, Jesus

You are my Strength, Christ

You are my Life, God

Nothing should I be afraid

You'll protect me

You'll guard my heart

You'll comfort my soul

Nothing, absolutely nothing

Can defeat me

Your arms are always open to me

Your words are always that soothing

Your love is always so warm

You voice is always so lovely

Loneliness never exists

With You as my Lord

- Humphrey Tan

crucified at 6:47:00 PM
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